Secretly in Love

Title: Secretly in Love

Author: girlinurdreams.

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/girlinurdreams/

Reviewer: kawaii_love @ My Sensation

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 2/5

It did catch my attention. It made me curious about why they were secretly in love ;p. But, please explain to me how does it match the story? It makes no sense. How is it secretly in love when they show their love out to the open?

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 4/10

Your poster is very nice. It was a good character chart. However, the background didn’t match the poster at all. You should have gotten something cute in a color of pink since your poster is pink as well. I also took off a few points for the numerous amount of characters in your poster. Dara, Miari Shida, Lee Ji ah, Siwon, and Yoochun barely ever showed up. They were never considerably a main character for your story. You shouldn’t have added them into the poster. It would have only confused the reader about their roles.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 4/10

I usually don’t like summaries for the forewords but since your summary didn’t give away too much of your plot, I decided it was fine. You should have put a little excerpt from the story that shows a little about their normal lives in school. This way you can explain how much of a flirt they are. You can definitely gain more readers that way. However, then I realized that your forewords continue towards chapter 1. You practically gave away who were sisters and all their connections. Then you told us who they might be with. This ruined the whole point of a story. When readers read a story they want to find answers while reading. You gave away too much.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 10/15

Erm, interesting would probably be the right word for your plot. I haven’t read anything like your plot before so it’s different to me. However, your plot jumps from scene to scene. There were no transitions for your plot. It was really hard for me to read because in my mind I was like wait wasn’t that just happening a minute ago? How come this scene showed up so quickly? Try to work on your transitions.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 5/10

You had good characterizations for Maki, Eunhye, Jaejoong, Yunho and Changmin. For the rest of the characters, when they showed up, I was confused. I was reading and even if it was already their second time showing up in the fanfic, I find myself thinking if it’s their first appearance in the story. Yoochun being gay, there was no characterization to that. You just brought it up out of no where. Also Junsu was just a background character to me, but then all of a sudden he pops up as a main character? You should have written him more importantly.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 8/10

It was creative. Your story is one of the only ones that I have read along the plot of yours. But then again, every story isn’t perfectly original. I took off some points for predictable parts.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 2/10

Here are some mistakes from your first chapter only.

Original sentences that you wrote will be after Such as:

Sentences that I’ve rewritten for you will be after It should be: and Or:

You forget some pronouns.

Such as: While browsing channels, she heard loud footsteps,

It should be: While she browsed through channels, she heard foot steps.

You used the wrong vocabulary and had run-on sentences.

Such as: Eun Hye entered the room, she suddenly hugged Maki so tight that made Maki lay down on her cozy, soft bed.

It should be: Eun Hye entered the room. She suddenly hugged Maki so tight that it made Maki fall down onto her cozy, soft bed.

You wrote in instant messaging speak.

Such as: Well, honestly, she's still a virgin and she is just a player coz

It should be: Honestly, she’s still a virgin. She is just a player because

You don’t have tense agreement.

Such as: she is just a player coz she wanted to have some 'fun'...

It should be: She is just a player because she wants to have some ‘fun’.

You use the wrong tense

Such as: Eun Hye exclaim

It should be: Eun Hye exclaims.

I saw these mistakes all over the chapter. It continuously showed up in other chapters as well. I suggest you reread your work. You can also ask people to peer edit it.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 3/10

Your writing is so jumpy and choppy. There were barely any transitions. You moved way too quickly. There were many points in the story that you could have elaborated that could have made the story more interesting. But, you just threw them in like nothing. You should watch out for that. It was kind of annoying for me to see them in the story.

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 9/15

Sorry if it’s a little harsh, your writing style doesn’t work for me. It’s very confusing. Honestly speaking, I don’t understand how you can write about sex and be so elaborate about it and still use the words “thing” and “hole”. That was kind of childish because you were able to write out the whole entire scene of sex but you weren’t comfortable with saying the actual words. Your writing is very awkward at times. It was hard for me to get used to.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 2/5

Sorry, your story wasn’t enjoyable for me. There were only a few parts that I was actually looking forward to. There are also a lot of things in your story that could not happen. People don’t get triplets because they get sex numerous times after they are already pregnant. When one is pregnant the egg moves to the uterus and it is not possible for the sperm to penetrate it again. There was also the part about Junsu being scared that Ejiah will hurt the baby in Geunyoung’s stomach and Ejiah will remark and say that Junsu was stupid because the baby is still in the fetus. The baby is always in the fetus during a pregnancy. Honestly, there were times I just wanted to give up on reading.

`Total : 47/100

`Bonus : 5/5

These points are for being a good author and worrying about your reader’s interests. You asked about their ideas and what they would like to happen in the story multiple times.

Overall Total: 52/100

Don’t take my words too seriously and actually quit writing. You have great ideas. You just need to brainstorm more. You have to outline your story more and work better choosing the right words to say. You also have to work on your transitions a lot better. Please take my words into consideration and not be bummed out by it. I’m sorry for the late review.