heartbeat
Title: Heartbeat
Author: jwyl
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl01/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: -/5
Title is provided so I shall not judge you for this.
`Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -9.5/10
I loved the poster. The background was a little plain, but it went well with the poster. The mood and atmosphere of the story was attained. The colour and pictures chosen for the poster were perfect. The font colour was suitable as well.
`Foreword [did your foreword make me wanting to read more?]: -6.5/10
Very short and simple foreword, but, it is still pretty interesting. Readers would be tempted to read on to find out what the disease is. However, since your foreword is really short, there is not sufficient information or details given to further allure the readers. For example, you could have mentioned the love affair of the two characters, so that the loss of one person to another would be more devastating and impactful. You could have added in a little quote or a sneak preview of the story. Maybe you can explain a few characteristics of the characters as well.
`Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: -9/15.
I have read similar stories before. Your plot is rather cliché, even the way in which Junsu died. The ending was on a positive note and I thought that the ending was rather appropriate.
`Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: -8/10
I understand that to portray characterisation in an one-shot is hard. However, you have done a pretty good job with all the dialogues and actions of the characters. Personalities of them can be easily deduced and seen. Bravo for that! The only thing was that there were insufficient adjectives used which could better describe the characters.
`Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: -6/10
The whole story is predictable, with little twists. The ending was appropriate and fits the story though.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: -7/10
Errors are more than occasional, but, less than frequent. Your command of English Language is of a certain standard. Note the sudden changes in tenses – such abrupt changes in tenses are deadly mistakes which you should avoid. You need to improve your vocabulary so that you can describe better with more details which could captivate more readers. Some errors that I have found (All errors mentioned are in Chapter 1):
[1] Now, after a little more than four months, they are finally going to get married. The night before their big day, Ri In sits on her bed, looking back at all the pictures they took during their relationship. It made her cry knowing that she’s finally going to marry the one person she loves. Her heart started to beat quickly just by the thought of getting married the next day. – Your tenses jumped from present tense to past tense in almost an instant. Note that you are writing in past tense, so it should have been “were finally going to get married” and “sat on her bed” and “she loved”.
[2] Junsu had been awake earlier then he was supposed to. - The word “then” is used wrongly; it should have been “than”.
[3] But as he was just about to head on straight, a sudden van came rushing towards Junsu’s side of the car. – The van cannot be described as sudden. It should have been the movement of the van that was sudden. So, you could change the sentence to “Just as Junsu was about to head on straight, a white van was speeding towards his car, so abruptly that Junsu was thrown into a momentary state of panic and confusion.”
`Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: -9/10.
Flow was consistent. You had the right pace for describing the developments in the story. The only regret was the appearance of the firefighter from nowhere. You could have used the sound of the sirens as the announcement of the arrival of help, before the firefighter appeared beside the car, offering his help.
`Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: -12.5/15
Neat and understandable, readers can understand the story easily and quickly. Paragraphing is not bad too. You could improve on your vocabulary. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: -3/5
I enjoyed reading it but you could have done better.
`Total: -70.5/95
`Bonus: -5/5
I am a fan of Junsu too! =] Considering this is your first attempt at an one-shot, I think you have done a pretty good job.
Overall Total: -75.5/100
Author: jwyl
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl01/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: -/5
Title is provided so I shall not judge you for this.
`Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -9.5/10
I loved the poster. The background was a little plain, but it went well with the poster. The mood and atmosphere of the story was attained. The colour and pictures chosen for the poster were perfect. The font colour was suitable as well.
`Foreword [did your foreword make me wanting to read more?]: -6.5/10
Very short and simple foreword, but, it is still pretty interesting. Readers would be tempted to read on to find out what the disease is. However, since your foreword is really short, there is not sufficient information or details given to further allure the readers. For example, you could have mentioned the love affair of the two characters, so that the loss of one person to another would be more devastating and impactful. You could have added in a little quote or a sneak preview of the story. Maybe you can explain a few characteristics of the characters as well.
`Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: -9/15.
I have read similar stories before. Your plot is rather cliché, even the way in which Junsu died. The ending was on a positive note and I thought that the ending was rather appropriate.
`Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: -8/10
I understand that to portray characterisation in an one-shot is hard. However, you have done a pretty good job with all the dialogues and actions of the characters. Personalities of them can be easily deduced and seen. Bravo for that! The only thing was that there were insufficient adjectives used which could better describe the characters.
`Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: -6/10
The whole story is predictable, with little twists. The ending was appropriate and fits the story though.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: -7/10
Errors are more than occasional, but, less than frequent. Your command of English Language is of a certain standard. Note the sudden changes in tenses – such abrupt changes in tenses are deadly mistakes which you should avoid. You need to improve your vocabulary so that you can describe better with more details which could captivate more readers. Some errors that I have found (All errors mentioned are in Chapter 1):
[1] Now, after a little more than four months, they are finally going to get married. The night before their big day, Ri In sits on her bed, looking back at all the pictures they took during their relationship. It made her cry knowing that she’s finally going to marry the one person she loves. Her heart started to beat quickly just by the thought of getting married the next day. – Your tenses jumped from present tense to past tense in almost an instant. Note that you are writing in past tense, so it should have been “were finally going to get married” and “sat on her bed” and “she loved”.
[2] Junsu had been awake earlier then he was supposed to. - The word “then” is used wrongly; it should have been “than”.
[3] But as he was just about to head on straight, a sudden van came rushing towards Junsu’s side of the car. – The van cannot be described as sudden. It should have been the movement of the van that was sudden. So, you could change the sentence to “Just as Junsu was about to head on straight, a white van was speeding towards his car, so abruptly that Junsu was thrown into a momentary state of panic and confusion.”
`Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: -9/10.
Flow was consistent. You had the right pace for describing the developments in the story. The only regret was the appearance of the firefighter from nowhere. You could have used the sound of the sirens as the announcement of the arrival of help, before the firefighter appeared beside the car, offering his help.
`Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: -12.5/15
Neat and understandable, readers can understand the story easily and quickly. Paragraphing is not bad too. You could improve on your vocabulary. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: -3/5
I enjoyed reading it but you could have done better.
`Total: -70.5/95
`Bonus: -5/5
I am a fan of Junsu too! =] Considering this is your first attempt at an one-shot, I think you have done a pretty good job.
Overall Total: -75.5/100
posted by my sensation at
1:43 PM
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