Labyrinth
Title: Labyrinth
Author: BoBoLi0us
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Labyrinth01/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -/5
Not applicable since this title is provided.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was alright but I think the blending of the pictures was not exactly brilliant. However, the background is rather plain. One good thing is that the font colour goes with the background so readers will not have to strain their eyes.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8/10
The foreword was interesting, I would say. Having a mysterious boss who hires one to kill and a cold-blooded killer on the move, it was like an entrance to one action-packed movie. The only thing is the repeated usage of the word “smirked”. Try to not repeat it so frequently. Maybe you can use “sneered”.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -8.5/15.
Well, this plot is not cliche but the the plot about a killer having a mysterious boss is used before. Your story reminded me of one MV I have watched before, I think it was Jolin Tsai’s song about her being special Agent J. However, you have added your own twists in it. Rain’s position as a police officer and also the mysterious boss who hires Agent L to kill and also his involvement in a science experiment. Bravo for your twists! I think you have some plot holes which you did not fill. For instance, you mentioned that Rain had information on the killer’s name, but then, later Key called her a nameless freak, since the information given (to him in the story and to us as readers), did not include her name. The other example of the plot hole is in the section Characterisation.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
It is hard to see thorough characterisation in a short story. In this instance, the killer was mysterious from the start so little characterisation on her was alright. Key’s characterisation was limited though, somehow, I feel that his emotions are rather well-controlled, even though the events unfolding around him should be more than impactful. His brother died and his lost love reappeared to kill him. I was curious to why he called her Agent Lucky all of a sudden when he saw her. I thought there was almost zero information about the killer, including her name. I am lost. Rain’s characterisation was pretty well, since more of him was revealed in the end, portraying his merciless personality.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
As I have mentioned earlier, I have seen such a plot before, but your own twists depicted your originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7.5/10
Mistakes are less frequent. However, I still spotted some. As I have said, you have repeated the word “smirked” too many times. I think you can use other synonyms. Examples include:
[1] Yes, he have seen more brutal killings than these – “He” is singular. So it should have been “has” instead of “have. (chapter 1)
[2] He tapped him chin impatiently – I think this is a typo. It should be “He tapped his chin impatiently”. (chapter 1)
[3] A small note fell out from it’s pockets.- “from its pocket” not “it’s”. (chapter 2)
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7.5/10.
The pace was alright but at times I found it too fast. For example, the flashbacks of the past in Chapter 2 are zooming. In addition, Soomi’s discovery of herself seemed too rapid as well since not much of her character or her past had been mentioned. Maybe you can create some headaches for her upon her discovery and her trying to recall back.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -11.5/15
Neat and understandable but a little confusing.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -2.5/5
I enjoyed reading it to a small extent.
`Total : -66.5/95 (I did not include the “Title” section.)
`Bonus : -3.5/5
The repetition of the heels clicking is a good way to create imagery and announce the killer’s arrival. Such an action will be engraved in people’s minds easily. I love SHINee, especially Onew, so I am very happy to see his appearance. I deducted the points because I am confused with the story holes and the plot is not that original in my opinion. Also, the link with labyrinth is not that well established. Do strive on.
Overall Total: -70/100
Author: BoBoLi0us
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Labyrinth01/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -/5
Not applicable since this title is provided.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was alright but I think the blending of the pictures was not exactly brilliant. However, the background is rather plain. One good thing is that the font colour goes with the background so readers will not have to strain their eyes.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8/10
The foreword was interesting, I would say. Having a mysterious boss who hires one to kill and a cold-blooded killer on the move, it was like an entrance to one action-packed movie. The only thing is the repeated usage of the word “smirked”. Try to not repeat it so frequently. Maybe you can use “sneered”.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -8.5/15.
Well, this plot is not cliche but the the plot about a killer having a mysterious boss is used before. Your story reminded me of one MV I have watched before, I think it was Jolin Tsai’s song about her being special Agent J. However, you have added your own twists in it. Rain’s position as a police officer and also the mysterious boss who hires Agent L to kill and also his involvement in a science experiment. Bravo for your twists! I think you have some plot holes which you did not fill. For instance, you mentioned that Rain had information on the killer’s name, but then, later Key called her a nameless freak, since the information given (to him in the story and to us as readers), did not include her name. The other example of the plot hole is in the section Characterisation.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
It is hard to see thorough characterisation in a short story. In this instance, the killer was mysterious from the start so little characterisation on her was alright. Key’s characterisation was limited though, somehow, I feel that his emotions are rather well-controlled, even though the events unfolding around him should be more than impactful. His brother died and his lost love reappeared to kill him. I was curious to why he called her Agent Lucky all of a sudden when he saw her. I thought there was almost zero information about the killer, including her name. I am lost. Rain’s characterisation was pretty well, since more of him was revealed in the end, portraying his merciless personality.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
As I have mentioned earlier, I have seen such a plot before, but your own twists depicted your originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7.5/10
Mistakes are less frequent. However, I still spotted some. As I have said, you have repeated the word “smirked” too many times. I think you can use other synonyms. Examples include:
[1] Yes, he have seen more brutal killings than these – “He” is singular. So it should have been “has” instead of “have. (chapter 1)
[2] He tapped him chin impatiently – I think this is a typo. It should be “He tapped his chin impatiently”. (chapter 1)
[3] A small note fell out from it’s pockets.- “from its pocket” not “it’s”. (chapter 2)
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7.5/10.
The pace was alright but at times I found it too fast. For example, the flashbacks of the past in Chapter 2 are zooming. In addition, Soomi’s discovery of herself seemed too rapid as well since not much of her character or her past had been mentioned. Maybe you can create some headaches for her upon her discovery and her trying to recall back.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -11.5/15
Neat and understandable but a little confusing.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -2.5/5
I enjoyed reading it to a small extent.
`Total : -66.5/95 (I did not include the “Title” section.)
`Bonus : -3.5/5
The repetition of the heels clicking is a good way to create imagery and announce the killer’s arrival. Such an action will be engraved in people’s minds easily. I love SHINee, especially Onew, so I am very happy to see his appearance. I deducted the points because I am confused with the story holes and the plot is not that original in my opinion. Also, the link with labyrinth is not that well established. Do strive on.
Overall Total: -70/100
posted by my sensation at
6:11 PM
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