Love come's first

Author: Ihara
Story Title: Love come's first
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ihara1/
Reviewer: Darkess


*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

`Story Title: 1/5

come's? This is not proper grammar. Comes is, but Come's is not o.o. So far, I don't really see how this story fits this title, and It wouldn't stick out on the winglin page at all.

`Appearance: 10/10

Cute poster :D Everything is really visible, and it's really bright and pretty.

`Forewords: 5/10

I think that you put kind of a cliffhanger, but I wish there was more to it. Like maybe a summary or a few quotes for the story ahead. These things really spike the reader's interest, and it makes them want to come back to read more of your story.

`Plot: 5/15

Your plot is really jumbled, and this story really doesn't make sense. I don't understand why a boy she knew 5 years ago would come up to her out of the blue and ask her to marry him. I don't understand why she would go see Erika, and then slap her for not liking this boy anymore even though it has been 5 years since she's seen him. But I do like the idea of her applying for a job at her friend's work as a designer. :D I hope she does well there and falls in love with Shun.

`Characterization: 2/10

You really don't put any detail into this story at all. It's hard to relate to the characters and feel anything towards them when you don't really say anything about their personality. Try adding a few details about them into your story. It should add a lot to the depth and meaning of it.

`Creativity/Originality: 10/10

This is... definately a unique idea that I never would have thought of. I've also never seen anything like it around winglin before. The random marriage and the modeling is very creative. So good job there :D

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 3/10

as nerdier as always. (1)

as nerdy as always.

why do she (1)

why does she

I'm sorry, but this is comical :D There are many mistakes. Well... I guess they aren't really mistakes, just that your sentences are stated VERY plainly. I'll point out some mistakes, but I won't point all of them out :)

I am scareder now (1)

I am really scared now.

You also forget endmarks. Your sentences aren't really sentences at all.

SHe said while bow (2)

She said while bowing.

oushed (2)

? what is that?

YOU TOO STOP (2)

YOU TWO STOP

strenght (2)

strength

wa crying. (3)

was crying.

shivel (3)

? again... what is this?

embaras (3)

embarassed

dohn't (4)

don't

flght (5)

flight

familier (5)

familiar

YOU wacht (6)

YOU watch

How long it have been (6)

How long it has been!

YUO (6)

YOU

bussiness (6)

business

reall (6)

really

crowdid (8)

crowded

innocence you (8)

innocent, you!

when you made climb the tally tree and I fell (8)

when you climbed the tall tree, and I fell.

You add y randomly at the end of words a LOT. o.o. That is not right.

bcuase (8)

because

bussiness (8)

business

resmee (8)

resume

simles (8)

smiles

qualifieded (8)

qualified

You also add -ed to a lot of words that don't need it too o.o

kidness (8)

kindness

begining (9)

beginning

your mad (9)

you're mad

standed at the back. (9)

stood in the back.

embaressed (9)

embarassed

presnter (9)

presenter

stalky (11)

O.O what kind of word is stalky . stalk, sure. Stalking, sure. but stalky? really?

holly (11)

Holy

`Flow: 1/10

I really can't see this happening in real time, because you don't say anything like "yesterday" or "tomorrow" or "the next day" all you said was 5 years later. Even that is a huge jump. Also, from Japan to China didn't seem realistic. Why would you buy an expensive plane ticket to go to China for a few hours?

`Writing Style: 6/15

This is a really weird format o.o. It's easy to understand, but you don't have any actions in this story at all, and you're just stating which character says what. It's odd. This also makes it so that there is no detail within your story, so it's harder to imagine this actually happening.

`Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

I was laughing really hard at this story. It's interesting, but... weird.

`Total : 45/100

`Bonus : 5/5

For trying script form ;D

Overall Total: 50/105

Note: Sorry this review took so long to complete *bows* please update your story soon!

~Darkess, out