One in a Million
Title: One in a Million ☆ [COMPLETED]
Author: jwyl
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl03/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: 4.5/5
Title is of appropriate length, easy to remember, suitable and simple. The star beside it will help to attract attention. However, this is a rather common title so I deducted zero point five points.
`Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8.5/10
The poster and the background blended really nice. The background is a little plain. One good thing is that the font colour goes well with the background. I would say that the mood and atmosphere of the story had been attained with the appearance of the fanfic. It was really soothing and comfortable. However, the romantic feeling of the fanfic was not brought out.
`Foreword [did your foreword make me wanting to read more?]: -7/10
Very short and simple foreword, but, it still will be able to create interest in readers as they will want to read on to see if there is a happy ending in store for them. However, I feel that there is a lack of those alluring sneak previews of the story or maybe some memorable dialogues can do the job. With such sneak previews or dialogues, readers will be more interested to read on. In fact, they will be more than interested; excited would be a better word. The summary of the story was concise and to the point. Not too bad.
`Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: -9.5/15.
The plot is not unusual, I would say. The part about Woo Young’s confession is dramatic and touching. Also, the fans’ reactions were great, as a matter of fact. However, such developments are quite predictable.
`Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: -7/10
Your characterisation is not too bad, but, it is not really impressive. For example, I think you could have improved on the conversation between Woo Young and Heera. They could have spoken more, so as to allow the readers to feel more empathy, towards the two of them and their relationship. Then, through the conversation, their personalities and emotions will be better highlighted. As Woo Young prepared to confess on stage, I think you could added in more details about his emotions beforehand and how much he really desired to tell everyone his love for Heera. These actions and details will really allow readers to gain a better perception of Woo Young’s character.
`Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: -7/10
Alright, as I have mentioned above, the developments are rather predictable. I can see your efforts in trying to come up with something different. Plus, a bonus would be Junsu and Heera’s friend. Their appearances brightened the story.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: -7.5/10
Vocabulary was alright. Spelling mistakes are not found. As for grammar, there is still this abrupt change in tenses. Another note would be try not to use “But” and “And” as the beginnings of sentences. It is not right. However, all in all, you had a few mistakes. Here are two examples that I picked up from Chapter 1:
[1] I chuckled as we put our jackets on and headed out the door. Even though I’ve been gone for so long, I still remember where some places are. – If the second sentence is a dialogue, then the tenses are alright, just that you have missed out the quotation marks. However, if it is a sentence, not a dialogue, the tense used is used wrongly. “Even though I had been gone, I could still remember some of the locations of certain places.”
[2] With all the crazy fan girls, it seems like I can’t even walk out of the house without being caught and mobbed with them. – Note the sudden change in tenses. From “seems” to “mobbed”, it should have been “seemed”.
`Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: -9.5/10.
Flow was consistent. You had the right pace for describing the developments in the story. Everything went smoothly. I would that you should place more time and details for the interactions between the two main characters.
`Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: -13/15
Neat and understandable, readers can understand the story easily and quickly. The change of point of view and the venues is very clear. Also, overall, your paragraphing is very neat and clear. Readers will not be confused. The only thing is that when you have Korean words, I think you could have added the English translation of the words in bracket. This is so as you have to ensure that everyone will understand the meaning of the words. Then when readers know the meaning, the whole impact of the Korean song lyrics will be enhanced and clarified. Also, I feel that your last few lines of the story should actually be paragraphs on their own, then they would be more impactful.
`Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: -4/5
I enjoyed reading it but you could have done better. =]
`Total: -77.5/95
`Bonus: -5/5
I am a fan of Woo Young from 2PM and your story did touch my heart to a certain extent. I see more adjectives used this time! =]
Overall Total: -82.5/100
Author: jwyl
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl03/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: 4.5/5
Title is of appropriate length, easy to remember, suitable and simple. The star beside it will help to attract attention. However, this is a rather common title so I deducted zero point five points.
`Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8.5/10
The poster and the background blended really nice. The background is a little plain. One good thing is that the font colour goes well with the background. I would say that the mood and atmosphere of the story had been attained with the appearance of the fanfic. It was really soothing and comfortable. However, the romantic feeling of the fanfic was not brought out.
`Foreword [did your foreword make me wanting to read more?]: -7/10
Very short and simple foreword, but, it still will be able to create interest in readers as they will want to read on to see if there is a happy ending in store for them. However, I feel that there is a lack of those alluring sneak previews of the story or maybe some memorable dialogues can do the job. With such sneak previews or dialogues, readers will be more interested to read on. In fact, they will be more than interested; excited would be a better word. The summary of the story was concise and to the point. Not too bad.
`Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: -9.5/15.
The plot is not unusual, I would say. The part about Woo Young’s confession is dramatic and touching. Also, the fans’ reactions were great, as a matter of fact. However, such developments are quite predictable.
`Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: -7/10
Your characterisation is not too bad, but, it is not really impressive. For example, I think you could have improved on the conversation between Woo Young and Heera. They could have spoken more, so as to allow the readers to feel more empathy, towards the two of them and their relationship. Then, through the conversation, their personalities and emotions will be better highlighted. As Woo Young prepared to confess on stage, I think you could added in more details about his emotions beforehand and how much he really desired to tell everyone his love for Heera. These actions and details will really allow readers to gain a better perception of Woo Young’s character.
`Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: -7/10
Alright, as I have mentioned above, the developments are rather predictable. I can see your efforts in trying to come up with something different. Plus, a bonus would be Junsu and Heera’s friend. Their appearances brightened the story.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: -7.5/10
Vocabulary was alright. Spelling mistakes are not found. As for grammar, there is still this abrupt change in tenses. Another note would be try not to use “But” and “And” as the beginnings of sentences. It is not right. However, all in all, you had a few mistakes. Here are two examples that I picked up from Chapter 1:
[1] I chuckled as we put our jackets on and headed out the door. Even though I’ve been gone for so long, I still remember where some places are. – If the second sentence is a dialogue, then the tenses are alright, just that you have missed out the quotation marks. However, if it is a sentence, not a dialogue, the tense used is used wrongly. “Even though I had been gone, I could still remember some of the locations of certain places.”
[2] With all the crazy fan girls, it seems like I can’t even walk out of the house without being caught and mobbed with them. – Note the sudden change in tenses. From “seems” to “mobbed”, it should have been “seemed”.
`Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: -9.5/10.
Flow was consistent. You had the right pace for describing the developments in the story. Everything went smoothly. I would that you should place more time and details for the interactions between the two main characters.
`Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: -13/15
Neat and understandable, readers can understand the story easily and quickly. The change of point of view and the venues is very clear. Also, overall, your paragraphing is very neat and clear. Readers will not be confused. The only thing is that when you have Korean words, I think you could have added the English translation of the words in bracket. This is so as you have to ensure that everyone will understand the meaning of the words. Then when readers know the meaning, the whole impact of the Korean song lyrics will be enhanced and clarified. Also, I feel that your last few lines of the story should actually be paragraphs on their own, then they would be more impactful.
`Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: -4/5
I enjoyed reading it but you could have done better. =]
`Total: -77.5/95
`Bonus: -5/5
I am a fan of Woo Young from 2PM and your story did touch my heart to a certain extent. I see more adjectives used this time! =]
Overall Total: -82.5/100
posted by my sensation at
6:30 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home