Your Loss
Title: Your Loss
Author: Lyselmae Atienza
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Latienza4/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: -3.5/5
I would say that the title is suitable and simple. It is easy for readers to remember, but it is not impressive.
`Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was alright but I think the blending of the pictures was not exactly brilliant. However, the background was not plain and the font colour suits it. All these are good points as readers’ eyes will be protected. Mood of story is not really heightened with poster and background. There is room for improvement.
`Foreword [did your foreword make me wanting to read more?]: -6.5/10
Your foreword was simple but yet it would still stir up interest in readers as they would be left wondering about the means Gui would use to enhance her appearances to get the guy back. However, the foreword was too short. In addition, the paragraphing was not properly done. A dialogue should be on its own as a paragraph. Paragraphing is important as with proper paragraphing, the emphasis on certain significant parts of story, would be highlighted easily. Reading the story would be more enjoyable.
`Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: -8.5/15.
Your plot is rather typical and common. Many fanfics have shared a similar storyline, including the love contract.
`Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: -6.5/10
I would say that characterisation is insufficient. For example, all of a sudden, Aaron pops up but little is known about him and his family. From their actions, I can deduce that they are very rich but you had not really mentioned anything about their riches. A little detail showing their wealth would enhance the characterisation. Also, Gui Gui’s character is a little messy. There seemed to be no distinct trait. Do strive on. You can use more adverbs and adjectives. Add in more detailed actions and used more varying vocabulary to portray the tones the characters use when speaking, I believe you can and will do much better!
`Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: -6.5/10
I could not give you a high score since your storyline is quite common. The whole story is quite predictable, with little twists. The appearance of Aaron’s sister makes the story more interesting, but, this sister is similar to Goo Jun Pyo’s elder sister in Boys Over Flowers. So once again, I could not see much originality. Do strive on. I know inspiration is hard to come by. Hwaiting / Paiting!
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: -6/10
Errors are quite frequent. Vocabulary can be improved. Tenses are not used appropriately. Examples of errors include:
[1] NOW, I will make him regret. I will become beautiful, & he will indeed want me back. I became stronger than usual. (Foreword) – Note the sudden change in tenses. It is very abrupt, from present to past, such abrupt changes in tenses are wrong and make your story sounds incoherent. It should have been “I will become stronger than before.” The word “usual” is misused as you are suggesting that you will become a more strong-willed person as compared to the past.
[2]It’s easy said than done. (Chapter 1) – It is easier said than done.
[3]Days pass (Chapter 3) – Days passed. The days had already passed so it should have been past tense, not present tense.
[4]He walked out my room, (chapter 4) – He walked out of my room. Note preposition as well.
`Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: -7.5/10.
Flow was somewhat consistent. You had the right pace for describing the developments in the story most of the times. There were some times where developments seemed very abrupt and rushed. For example, the part about flying off to the private island; I think it is very sudden.
`Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: -10.5/15
Understandable writing style, but not impressive and neat. You need to xhange your paragraphing. In my opinion, your sentences, especially dialogues, are clumped together. In this way, it will be very messy and confusing for readers, I would say it is inconvenient. You should change and use paragraphing more effectively. You can start by typing each dialogue as a paragraph on its own. Change in speakers in story will be more obvious too. I hope you can improve in this aspect.
`Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: -2.5/5
I enjoyed reading it to a little extent.
`Total: -65/100
`Bonus: -3/5
Bonus for you!
For:
[1] Putting in a lot of efforts
[2] Communicating with readers
[3] Requesting from our site
Overall Total: -68/105
Author: Lyselmae Atienza
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Latienza4/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: -3.5/5
I would say that the title is suitable and simple. It is easy for readers to remember, but it is not impressive.
`Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was alright but I think the blending of the pictures was not exactly brilliant. However, the background was not plain and the font colour suits it. All these are good points as readers’ eyes will be protected. Mood of story is not really heightened with poster and background. There is room for improvement.
`Foreword [did your foreword make me wanting to read more?]: -6.5/10
Your foreword was simple but yet it would still stir up interest in readers as they would be left wondering about the means Gui would use to enhance her appearances to get the guy back. However, the foreword was too short. In addition, the paragraphing was not properly done. A dialogue should be on its own as a paragraph. Paragraphing is important as with proper paragraphing, the emphasis on certain significant parts of story, would be highlighted easily. Reading the story would be more enjoyable.
`Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: -8.5/15.
Your plot is rather typical and common. Many fanfics have shared a similar storyline, including the love contract.
`Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: -6.5/10
I would say that characterisation is insufficient. For example, all of a sudden, Aaron pops up but little is known about him and his family. From their actions, I can deduce that they are very rich but you had not really mentioned anything about their riches. A little detail showing their wealth would enhance the characterisation. Also, Gui Gui’s character is a little messy. There seemed to be no distinct trait. Do strive on. You can use more adverbs and adjectives. Add in more detailed actions and used more varying vocabulary to portray the tones the characters use when speaking, I believe you can and will do much better!
`Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: -6.5/10
I could not give you a high score since your storyline is quite common. The whole story is quite predictable, with little twists. The appearance of Aaron’s sister makes the story more interesting, but, this sister is similar to Goo Jun Pyo’s elder sister in Boys Over Flowers. So once again, I could not see much originality. Do strive on. I know inspiration is hard to come by. Hwaiting / Paiting!
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: -6/10
Errors are quite frequent. Vocabulary can be improved. Tenses are not used appropriately. Examples of errors include:
[1] NOW, I will make him regret. I will become beautiful, & he will indeed want me back. I became stronger than usual. (Foreword) – Note the sudden change in tenses. It is very abrupt, from present to past, such abrupt changes in tenses are wrong and make your story sounds incoherent. It should have been “I will become stronger than before.” The word “usual” is misused as you are suggesting that you will become a more strong-willed person as compared to the past.
[2]It’s easy said than done. (Chapter 1) – It is easier said than done.
[3]Days pass (Chapter 3) – Days passed. The days had already passed so it should have been past tense, not present tense.
[4]He walked out my room, (chapter 4) – He walked out of my room. Note preposition as well.
`Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: -7.5/10.
Flow was somewhat consistent. You had the right pace for describing the developments in the story most of the times. There were some times where developments seemed very abrupt and rushed. For example, the part about flying off to the private island; I think it is very sudden.
`Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: -10.5/15
Understandable writing style, but not impressive and neat. You need to xhange your paragraphing. In my opinion, your sentences, especially dialogues, are clumped together. In this way, it will be very messy and confusing for readers, I would say it is inconvenient. You should change and use paragraphing more effectively. You can start by typing each dialogue as a paragraph on its own. Change in speakers in story will be more obvious too. I hope you can improve in this aspect.
`Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: -2.5/5
I enjoyed reading it to a little extent.
`Total: -65/100
`Bonus: -3/5
Bonus for you!
For:
[1] Putting in a lot of efforts
[2] Communicating with readers
[3] Requesting from our site
Overall Total: -68/105
posted by my sensation at
5:38 PM
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