18 guys live with me.
Fanfic Title: 18 guys live with me.
Author: sujusarang
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4/5
I guessed that your title was interesting since people would wonder about who the 18 guys were and how would it be like to have 18 guys living with one girl. However, I feel that the title was not capitalised properly. You could have have capitalise the first letter of each word, to make your title more captivating, in a way.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8/10
I think the poster and background were great works. With so many characters, the poster could be considered a piece of wonderful work. It was not messy and rather neat but yet playful. The background was a little plain but at least it was not another repeated image of the poster. The only complaints I would have to rant are the font colours chosen for the subtitles and the links. They are not that visible.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -4/10
Your foreword did not succeed in strring my interest. You had only provided a list of characters and two questions. No doubt, asking readers questions can get them interested. However, you could spice things up more by including maybe a significant quote from each character without revealing their identities. You could also add some brief background infromation on the characters.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -5/15
I think your plot was really typical and common. A fan girl getting to live with her idols, then falling in love and later realising she suffered from a deadly disease… This storyline is totally overused from the old past up till this new century. Your plot is too typical. There is a lack of new twists and creative romantic scenes. Do strive on. Inspiration is hard to get but try to read more and get exposed to more genres and writing styles. I would recommend Nicholas Sparks if you want to read romantic novels. At least you tried to put all the different moods inside this story. Do work harder.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6/10
Firstly, there were too many characters. Therefore, the characterisation would be hard to portray out effectively. Secondly, the pace of your story was rather fast, which meant that you had little time to write out more details to bring out the characters’ personalities throughly. I can see your efforts though by stating that who and who were players and also through the many dialogues and ‘accidents’. Do strive on. Maybe you could use more adverbs to describe their actions and the tones for how they spoke. In this way, your whole story would be more descriptive, and hence, characterisation would be more clearly and easily deduced and highlighted.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -3/10
Same comment as plot. I hope you will continue to work harder.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -6/10
Vocabulary used is relatively simple. You have a lot of room for improvement. Your grammar is supposedly fine, but you showed a lack of care, with the many abrupt changes in tenses. Past tense should be used consistently. I suggest that you should proof read more. Spelling was alright. You had used some acronyms and actually, this is not a good practice. At the very least, you could have explained the words, bracketing the acronyms, so that when you use the acronyms again, readers will definitely know what you are talking about. Some of your errors include:
[1] We were tired, yet we enjoyed packing up, because we will already move in a much larger house and we will have a girl with us. (Chapter 2) – Note the sudden change in tenses, from past to present tense. It should be “would” instead of “will”.
[2] It would be much better if she's a dongsaeng. (Chapter 2) – If you had used the word “if”, the word “were” should be used. The correct sentence would be “It would be much better if she were a dongsaeng (junior).”
[3] I just laughed at him because he looks cute. (Chapter 3) – Same error as error [1]. It should be “looked” instead of “looks”.
[4] BTW, they just told me their weird personalities last night. (Chapter 3) – You should have written “By the way” instead of “BTW”. Or you could have written “By the way (BTW)”; this is so as when you use “BTW” again in future chapters, readers would surely know its meaning. (I do not encourage the use of acronyms in stories though.)
[5] THIS GUYS ARE REALLY DAMN HOT! (Chapter 5) – “Guys” is plural so it should be “These” instead of “This”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -6/10
As you had mentioned in yout chapter, you had fast forwarded at some parts. I don not really mind the fast forwarding since they had to live together for a long time. However, by fast forwarding, some details were lost. For example, in the beginning, it was known that ChooRin had a crush on Ki Bum but you did not mention more about their interactions. So, in my opinion, the pace of the story was hastened too much, resulting in loss of details. In addition, your chapters were rather different in length. Some of them were too short and hence the flow of the story was messed up in a way.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -9.5/15
I found your paragraphing improper. I would like to remind you that for each new speaker, the dialogue should be on its own paragraph. For example, (Chapter 1) the many dialogues were placed in a single paragraph. From Jaeyeon to Lee Soo Man speaking, I hope you can separate the dialogues. In this way, readers can read more easily. They can grasp your story clearly too. For the rest of your chapters, your paragraphing was not that clear too. I hope you can change, especially since your story is full of dialogues. Also, if you had used Korean words, I hope you can add English translations beside them. This is to ensure that all readers will understand what you are writing about. Other than that, I guess your writing style is pretty understandable, and the change in points of views is rather clear. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -2/5
`Total : -47.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I LOVE DBSK AND SUPER JUNIOR! =] I hope you can improve. Do work harder! =]
Overall Total: -52.5/100
Author: sujusarang
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4/5
I guessed that your title was interesting since people would wonder about who the 18 guys were and how would it be like to have 18 guys living with one girl. However, I feel that the title was not capitalised properly. You could have have capitalise the first letter of each word, to make your title more captivating, in a way.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8/10
I think the poster and background were great works. With so many characters, the poster could be considered a piece of wonderful work. It was not messy and rather neat but yet playful. The background was a little plain but at least it was not another repeated image of the poster. The only complaints I would have to rant are the font colours chosen for the subtitles and the links. They are not that visible.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -4/10
Your foreword did not succeed in strring my interest. You had only provided a list of characters and two questions. No doubt, asking readers questions can get them interested. However, you could spice things up more by including maybe a significant quote from each character without revealing their identities. You could also add some brief background infromation on the characters.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -5/15
I think your plot was really typical and common. A fan girl getting to live with her idols, then falling in love and later realising she suffered from a deadly disease… This storyline is totally overused from the old past up till this new century. Your plot is too typical. There is a lack of new twists and creative romantic scenes. Do strive on. Inspiration is hard to get but try to read more and get exposed to more genres and writing styles. I would recommend Nicholas Sparks if you want to read romantic novels. At least you tried to put all the different moods inside this story. Do work harder.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6/10
Firstly, there were too many characters. Therefore, the characterisation would be hard to portray out effectively. Secondly, the pace of your story was rather fast, which meant that you had little time to write out more details to bring out the characters’ personalities throughly. I can see your efforts though by stating that who and who were players and also through the many dialogues and ‘accidents’. Do strive on. Maybe you could use more adverbs to describe their actions and the tones for how they spoke. In this way, your whole story would be more descriptive, and hence, characterisation would be more clearly and easily deduced and highlighted.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -3/10
Same comment as plot. I hope you will continue to work harder.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -6/10
Vocabulary used is relatively simple. You have a lot of room for improvement. Your grammar is supposedly fine, but you showed a lack of care, with the many abrupt changes in tenses. Past tense should be used consistently. I suggest that you should proof read more. Spelling was alright. You had used some acronyms and actually, this is not a good practice. At the very least, you could have explained the words, bracketing the acronyms, so that when you use the acronyms again, readers will definitely know what you are talking about. Some of your errors include:
[1] We were tired, yet we enjoyed packing up, because we will already move in a much larger house and we will have a girl with us. (Chapter 2) – Note the sudden change in tenses, from past to present tense. It should be “would” instead of “will”.
[2] It would be much better if she's a dongsaeng. (Chapter 2) – If you had used the word “if”, the word “were” should be used. The correct sentence would be “It would be much better if she were a dongsaeng (junior).”
[3] I just laughed at him because he looks cute. (Chapter 3) – Same error as error [1]. It should be “looked” instead of “looks”.
[4] BTW, they just told me their weird personalities last night. (Chapter 3) – You should have written “By the way” instead of “BTW”. Or you could have written “By the way (BTW)”; this is so as when you use “BTW” again in future chapters, readers would surely know its meaning. (I do not encourage the use of acronyms in stories though.)
[5] THIS GUYS ARE REALLY DAMN HOT! (Chapter 5) – “Guys” is plural so it should be “These” instead of “This”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -6/10
As you had mentioned in yout chapter, you had fast forwarded at some parts. I don not really mind the fast forwarding since they had to live together for a long time. However, by fast forwarding, some details were lost. For example, in the beginning, it was known that ChooRin had a crush on Ki Bum but you did not mention more about their interactions. So, in my opinion, the pace of the story was hastened too much, resulting in loss of details. In addition, your chapters were rather different in length. Some of them were too short and hence the flow of the story was messed up in a way.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -9.5/15
I found your paragraphing improper. I would like to remind you that for each new speaker, the dialogue should be on its own paragraph. For example, (Chapter 1) the many dialogues were placed in a single paragraph. From Jaeyeon to Lee Soo Man speaking, I hope you can separate the dialogues. In this way, readers can read more easily. They can grasp your story clearly too. For the rest of your chapters, your paragraphing was not that clear too. I hope you can change, especially since your story is full of dialogues. Also, if you had used Korean words, I hope you can add English translations beside them. This is to ensure that all readers will understand what you are writing about. Other than that, I guess your writing style is pretty understandable, and the change in points of views is rather clear. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -2/5
`Total : -47.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I LOVE DBSK AND SUPER JUNIOR! =] I hope you can improve. Do work harder! =]
Overall Total: -52.5/100
posted by my sensation at
2:38 PM
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