2PM Unstoppable Love?
Fanfic Title: 2PM Unstoppable Love? [COMPLETED]
Author: geoul
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4/5
Your story title is interesting with the question mark behind. Using a question as a title is like tricking the readers and leading them to read your story. The word “Unstoppable” is a nice imapctful word as well. As for the word ‘love’, it is too commonly used. Your title is rather long too.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -5.5/10
The background was too dull and plain. Your poster was too ordinary and plain as well. You could have added quotes onto the poster to make it more meaningful. The appearance of the story does not help in enhancing the mood or atmosphere of your story. Gladly, the font colours for all the title and words fit the background. Do strive on.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -6.5/10
Your foreword was too short. The teaser may have been interesting and also reveal a little of your story. However,the basic elements of a foreword were missing. A simple character list and slight background information about the characters could have aided in your foreword in becoming more captivating. Also, you could include a slight description of the appearance of the mysterious lady, so as to use her character as a bait to allure your readers into reading on, so as to find out more. You can add significant quotes said by the characters in the story too. Do work harder.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
The plot was actually quite common (the love stories and the accidental kiss scene as an example). Your plot was rather simple as well, with less surprises and malicious twists. Thus, it was a little bland. However, I could see your own ideas in the story as well by adding more lively interactions between the many interesting characters. I also particularly liked your ending. Your ending was not totally and explicitly a happy ending. Readers could further imagine the endings as you did not really state that Nickhun and Min or Jay and Taecyeon’s sister had really got together. It was like a happy and open ending. Nice job! =]
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8/10
Your characterisation was rather good since there were many actions and dialogues to suggest the different characteristics of the characters. However, you could improve further if you were able to describe more vividly and bring out some of their more striking character. For example, for Min, I thought that you did a good job of bringing out her playful personality which was the most striking trait. Do strive on.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7.5/10
I would say that your command of English was pretty okay. However, you were not meticulous enough. You did have some slips here and there. Typo errors were more than usual. Vocabulary could be expanded further. Examples of the errors:
[1] “No. I’m just saying you guys are a pain in the butt” he chuckled. (Foreword) – Punctuation error or rather a slip. You forgot to place a comma after the word ‘butt’.
[2] The other members raised there hands too. (Chapter 2) – There was a misused word. It should be “their hands” instead of “there hands”.
[3] His arms on her shoulder. (Chapter 3) – I would prefer you to use proper and complete sentence like “His arms were on her shoulders.”
[4] So your younger sister is your chat-mate, the girl you claim to be ‘fine’*again doing the hand gesture* which is awesomely true, and you’re going out with her?” (Chapter 5) – You should not use “Which” since you were referring to a human being. It should be “who”.
[5] these ar the guys, Jaebeom, Junho, Chansung and Wooyoung and a non-existing Nichkhun beside him. (Chapter 5) – A typo error here. It should be “are”.
[6] “If you didn’t buy it, then, someone must of given it to you” (Chapter 13) – You had misused preposition. The ‘of’ should not have been used. It should be “has”.
[7] you could of at least let me prepare first (Chapter 15) – Same error as error 6. You should use “have” instead of the “of”.
[8] Taecyeon said knowing that it’s no use trying to protect her from the guys. (Chapter 23) – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “it was no use trying to protect her from the guys.”.
[9] 'Stupid Wooyoung. It's not even christmas yet' Khun thought. (Chapter 23) – Same error as error [1]. Please put a comma after the word ‘yet’.
[*] “Don’t worry, Eunhee! Jaebeom will protect you!” Eunhee said out loud. (Chapter 15) – Special error. You had used the wrong character’s name. It should be Min instead of Eunhee, who “said out loud”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10
Your flow was rather alright. Your chapters were all about the same length, which, in a way, helped to keep your pace consistent. However, though you might want to focus on the main couple, you should not have just briefly wrote about Nickhun’s part where he got mocked and tricked. That would be one fun aspect in your story. You could have added the reactions of the passer-bys who saw Nickhun and his doodled face.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
Your writing style was alright and unique. You had your own way of writing. It was pretty neat and understandable. However, you were not meticulous. Thus, some marks were deducted, due to the errors, like the lack of punctuation. You surely could do better.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -75.5/100
`Bonus : -3.5/5
I LOVE 2PM! I deducted the one point five marks because I could not see a well-established link between the title and the story. Sorry. Do strive on.
Overall Total: -79/100
Author: geoul
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4/5
Your story title is interesting with the question mark behind. Using a question as a title is like tricking the readers and leading them to read your story. The word “Unstoppable” is a nice imapctful word as well. As for the word ‘love’, it is too commonly used. Your title is rather long too.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -5.5/10
The background was too dull and plain. Your poster was too ordinary and plain as well. You could have added quotes onto the poster to make it more meaningful. The appearance of the story does not help in enhancing the mood or atmosphere of your story. Gladly, the font colours for all the title and words fit the background. Do strive on.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -6.5/10
Your foreword was too short. The teaser may have been interesting and also reveal a little of your story. However,the basic elements of a foreword were missing. A simple character list and slight background information about the characters could have aided in your foreword in becoming more captivating. Also, you could include a slight description of the appearance of the mysterious lady, so as to use her character as a bait to allure your readers into reading on, so as to find out more. You can add significant quotes said by the characters in the story too. Do work harder.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
The plot was actually quite common (the love stories and the accidental kiss scene as an example). Your plot was rather simple as well, with less surprises and malicious twists. Thus, it was a little bland. However, I could see your own ideas in the story as well by adding more lively interactions between the many interesting characters. I also particularly liked your ending. Your ending was not totally and explicitly a happy ending. Readers could further imagine the endings as you did not really state that Nickhun and Min or Jay and Taecyeon’s sister had really got together. It was like a happy and open ending. Nice job! =]
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8/10
Your characterisation was rather good since there were many actions and dialogues to suggest the different characteristics of the characters. However, you could improve further if you were able to describe more vividly and bring out some of their more striking character. For example, for Min, I thought that you did a good job of bringing out her playful personality which was the most striking trait. Do strive on.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7.5/10
I would say that your command of English was pretty okay. However, you were not meticulous enough. You did have some slips here and there. Typo errors were more than usual. Vocabulary could be expanded further. Examples of the errors:
[1] “No. I’m just saying you guys are a pain in the butt” he chuckled. (Foreword) – Punctuation error or rather a slip. You forgot to place a comma after the word ‘butt’.
[2] The other members raised there hands too. (Chapter 2) – There was a misused word. It should be “their hands” instead of “there hands”.
[3] His arms on her shoulder. (Chapter 3) – I would prefer you to use proper and complete sentence like “His arms were on her shoulders.”
[4] So your younger sister is your chat-mate, the girl you claim to be ‘fine’*again doing the hand gesture* which is awesomely true, and you’re going out with her?” (Chapter 5) – You should not use “Which” since you were referring to a human being. It should be “who”.
[5] these ar the guys, Jaebeom, Junho, Chansung and Wooyoung and a non-existing Nichkhun beside him. (Chapter 5) – A typo error here. It should be “are”.
[6] “If you didn’t buy it, then, someone must of given it to you” (Chapter 13) – You had misused preposition. The ‘of’ should not have been used. It should be “has”.
[7] you could of at least let me prepare first (Chapter 15) – Same error as error 6. You should use “have” instead of the “of”.
[8] Taecyeon said knowing that it’s no use trying to protect her from the guys. (Chapter 23) – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “it was no use trying to protect her from the guys.”.
[9] 'Stupid Wooyoung. It's not even christmas yet' Khun thought. (Chapter 23) – Same error as error [1]. Please put a comma after the word ‘yet’.
[*] “Don’t worry, Eunhee! Jaebeom will protect you!” Eunhee said out loud. (Chapter 15) – Special error. You had used the wrong character’s name. It should be Min instead of Eunhee, who “said out loud”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10
Your flow was rather alright. Your chapters were all about the same length, which, in a way, helped to keep your pace consistent. However, though you might want to focus on the main couple, you should not have just briefly wrote about Nickhun’s part where he got mocked and tricked. That would be one fun aspect in your story. You could have added the reactions of the passer-bys who saw Nickhun and his doodled face.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
Your writing style was alright and unique. You had your own way of writing. It was pretty neat and understandable. However, you were not meticulous. Thus, some marks were deducted, due to the errors, like the lack of punctuation. You surely could do better.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -75.5/100
`Bonus : -3.5/5
I LOVE 2PM! I deducted the one point five marks because I could not see a well-established link between the title and the story. Sorry. Do strive on.
Overall Total: -79/100
posted by my sensation at
8:10 PM
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