A Fangirl's Letter

Fanfic Title: A Fangirl’s Letter [Completed]

Author: geesoo

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5

The title was of approriate length and simple. However, I felt that such a title would be easily neglected since a fangirl’s letter would be like of the same contents. The title was too revealing.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8.5/10

Your poster was pretty but the background was too plain. The quotes on the poster were meaningful and helped to enhance the mood of your fanfic. The font colour suited the background as well.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10

Your foreword was rather captivating. There was something like a prologue and also one significant quote above which summed up the feelings of the fangirl. However, I felt that you could have provided the basics first. The basics meant the list of characters and some background information on them.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -12.5/15

I would say that I had expected the contents about a fangirl’s letter. However, the way you wrote the letter was pretty rational, which was something that I did not really expect. (since fan girls are almost always crazy and dramatic :p) In addition, you had mananged to write out neatly the charms of Woo Young bit by bit. Though the charms of idols nowadays are about the same, you had managed to elaborate on the points and also incoporated your feelings with it. Great job there! You had even included a slight flaw of Woo Young (crying) but you showed that you could accept him for who he is. However, I felt that maybe you could add on about how some negative comments about Woo Young were given and how you heard them and then how you dealt with them. Those would enhance the feelings and plot further.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8/10

Characterisation was sufficient since this was a one shot. In an one shot, it would be pretty hard to portray personalities of characters thoroughly. However, the fangirl’s deep love and affection could clearly be seen. Thus, her personality was revealed. Woo Young’s personality was revealed as well, but not really emphasised properly. For example, you mentioned that he cried and laughed. He felt different. However, you did not really pinpoint out how this particular fangirl’s letter was different from the other letters, and also the reason why Woo Young felt so specially tounched by this letter. You could work harder. Do strive on.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10

Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality. Read ‘Overall Enjoyment’ as well. =p

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -8/10

Vocabulary was alright but you could use more sophisticated words. Spelling was perfect, I guessed. There were minimum grammatical errors. Incomplete sentences were used though (rather frequently). Also, you had capitalised your words even after commas. I deducted only zero point five marks for that, since you were writing a letter (more freestyle writing), and trying to emphasise on each and every single one of your points.

[1] And with that, she handed him the plain, white envelope with nothing but his name on it. (Chapter 1) – Try not to start a sentence with the conjunction “And”. It is actually improper to do so. Maybe you could just start off with “With that, she …”

[2] Your voice, your face, your personality, the way you act. (Chapter 1) – Since you are using a few adjectives together, you should use the conjunction “and” to link the last two, instead of a comma. So it should be “Your voice, your face, your personality and the way you act.”

[3] It seemed like he cried every single day and yet this didn’t make him feel depressed, it felt… good. (Chapter 1) – I felt that you had left out a comma, which could help make your sentence more impactful. After the word “yet”, you should add a comma.

[4] But he couldn’t give the warm fuzzy feeling he obtained from this little note back to the girl who wrote it. (Chapter 1) – Try not to start your sentence with the conjunction “but” as well. It is not proper too. You can try to start off with “However”.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9.5/10

Look at the score and you know that you had got the almost-perfect pace! Even though it was an one-shot story, you wrote in a good pace, not rushing through and willing to spend time writing details out. However, the only thing was the ending, the part about Woo Young’s reaction. I felt that you could describe his reaction further. The way you wrote about his reaction was a little too simplistic. All in all, good work!

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12/15

Your writing style is neat and understandable. Paragraphing was pretty good in this one shot. You had used a little too much repetition in my opinion. The usage of incomplete sentences would not be recommended but since this was a letter written by a fangirl, I let it slide. I would prefer for you to describe in more detail though, especially Woo Young’s reactions and expressions instead of just a “He cried”. I am sure that you can do better! =]

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5

I had predicted the contents of the letter once I read your title. Since I had managed to get some of the contents right, which meant that some parts of your story were predictable, the story was not fully satisfying. I love your ending for the story! =]

`Total : -80/100

`Bonus : -5/5

I am a fan of Woo Young! =] Oh. Bobolicious is my junior. I meant that she was my junior since I had graduated from the school. =]

Overall Total: -85/100