Forgotten Season

Fanfic Title: Forgotten Season [Completed]

Author: changmer_24

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4/5

I like your title. However, I would say that it had not reach the impressive stage yet as the word “forgotten” had been used repeatedly in many titles. People may lost interest because of the same word seen everywhere.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -6.5/10

The title colour made my eyes ache against the background. It was too striking. The background was too plain. The pictures in the poster were not really blended nicely. However, the picture of Junsu used was well chosen. Also, the quote on the poster made your fanfic appear more alluring. Do strive on.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -6.5/10

Your foreword was short. You had included a concise summary of your story and had probed your readers. This was a good attempt to lure them into reading more. However, I felt that you could have done better if you include some background information on the characters and add more juicy details. For example, you could have included a flashback on how the two made their promise lovingly.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -7/15

Your plot was rather cliche. From holding onto the promise till the day one of them died, such a plot had been overused. The developments in the story was predictable.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10

The characterisation for the female lead was the most obvious. Her personality of being dependent on Junsu could be seen. As for Junsu, his personality of being kind and patient was shown. However, I felt that the characterisation was insufficient for both characters and even YeSung. You could have written better characterisation if you could include more details, so as to bring their feelings to a deeper levels. Their personalities would be enhanced and highlighted as well, and not just the obvious personalities shown on the surface.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -4/10

As I had mentioned under the ‘Plot’ section, everything in the story was predictable. However, I am giving you some marks because I could see your efforts in trying to write a full and short story which could move readers. You can wrok harder.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -4/10

There were frequent errors. Mainly, the errors were grammatical errors. Your use of tenses was improper since they kept changing. Past tense should be used consistently. Spelling was alright and ocabulary could still be built up. Simple words were used. Some of your errors include:

[1] Thinking that we could be like that until we become adults, there’s really no permanent happiness. (Chapter 1)

[2] But one thing’s for sure, we had our first kiss from each other and what we had between us was considered to be our first romance. (Chapter 1)

[3] “Oppa! You’re heart!” Nizza said worriedly. (Chapter 4)

[4] I dropped Nizza and fell on the ground as if I was experiencing an excruciating pain with my heart. (Chapter 4)

[5] On our place, I leaned against our tree while Junsu lied on my lap. (Chapter 4)

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -6.5/10

I felt that the flow of the whole story was too rapid. Everything happened very quickly. There was no time for proper developments between the characters. Their relationship was directly very close and loving. You did not show their interactions sufficiently since your chapters were rather short. Therefore, there was a lack of details and interactions which could better portray their deep love for each other. You could have slow things down a little, and include more details, so that readers could feel their strong love for each other. However, at least the developments in the story made sense and the impacts of each event were clearly written out properly. Do strive on. Do not be afraid to write longer chapters. [:p]

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -10/15

Your writing style is clear, neat and understandable. However, your English language errors will discourage people from reading on. Such errors made your story sound less convincing since it would be too incoherent. Also, I felt that you could have include more vivid descriptions, details, actions and expressions of and between the characters. Your writing style was understandable and simple, but not impressive. You could do better. I would suggest you to write longer chapters for a start, before advancing to find and use more descriptive words and phrases. Do work harder.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -2/5

`Total : -57.5/100

`Bonus : -4/5

I deducted the one point due to your errors which deterred me from reading and your very striking title colour. Other than that, I had no complaints. I am a big fan of Jun Su! =] Do strive on.

Overall Total: -61/100