Fragile Memories
Fanfic Title: Fragile Memories
Author: ` ami
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
The words “fragile” and “memories” were words which had been overused. Therefore, your title would not be very strking. I like it since it is tinged with melancholy. However, it would not have catch my attention if I were to be scrolling down the long Winglin list of fanfics.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was simple but nicely blended. The quote on it helped to make it more meaningful. The background was too plain and dull. However, your font colours for all the titles and text were chosen brilliantly.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -9/10
Your foreword was enthralling. The only regret was that you did not include some simple background information about the characters.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
Your plot was fine, a little cliche, with the jealous third party and then a phantom. However, you had created a different type of ghost in this case. This was not some malicious ghost who wanted revenge or some nice ghost who was ready to forgive and forget so easily. This ghost or phantom still had feelings like a normal human being. That was what I liked the most. The addition of the little kid was a bonus. However, you did not include his reactions when he saw Jane and his mother since I thought Jay brought him along to try to play with Jay. That was a bit illogical since I thought Mason wanted desperately to play with Jane. Do strive on.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10
You could improve on characterisation by providing more details. It was obvious and clear who were the antagonists and protagonists. I liked how the female main lead’s personality was shown. She was kind and sweet but yet after she died, she did not just let go or take revenge on Jung Ah. Instead, she just approached her and asked for the truth. Jay’s character was vague though. I thought you could have provided more details and elaboration, to produce more evidence to show that he really loved the female main lead deeply before. As he became Jung Ah’s husband, I wanted to know how and why he succumbed and could fall in love with Jung Ah who was rather malicious.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 7.5/10
Your command of English Language is not bad. Spelling was fine. Vocabulary was alright but there is always room for improvement. There were a handful of sudden changes in tenses when past tense should be used consistently. Examples of errors include:
[1] My heart ached for his touches that I can no longer remember. (Chapter 1) – Abrupt changes in tenses, from past to present tense. Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “could” instead of “can”.
[2] All I can say is that I knew I was right. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [1]. “All I could say was that I knew I was right.”
[3] “It's supposed to be me whose receiving the love...” (Chapter 1) – You had misused the word “whose”. I think you meant “It’s supposed to be me to be receiving the love…” or maybe “It’s supposed to be me, who’s receiving the love…”
[4] He glances back and forth between _____ and Jung Ah. (Chapter 2) – This is a similar error to errors [1] and [2]. It should be “glanced” instead of “glances”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7/10
The flow was alright but I felt that you had speeded through the story. For example, you could have written more details when Jung Ah approached the main female lead. Also, the part about Jay really caring. Maybe you could have added a flashback of Jay constantly looking for the main female lead after her sudden disappearance.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -10/15
Actually I was confused about the progress of your story. Since this was a short story, I guessed that you had left out quite a lot of details, causing a lot of missing parts. As I had mentioned above, Jay’s deep concern for the female main lead after she disappeared could have been more detailed and highlighted other than him watching the empty house. Also, you could have written more about how Jung Ah kept watching the female main lead and how she planned and succeeded in geting Jay to herself. However, the way you write was okay. I guess it was just the way you plan your story and write its developments.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -3/5
`Total : -71/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I love Jay Park!
Overall Total: -76/100
Author: ` ami
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
The words “fragile” and “memories” were words which had been overused. Therefore, your title would not be very strking. I like it since it is tinged with melancholy. However, it would not have catch my attention if I were to be scrolling down the long Winglin list of fanfics.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was simple but nicely blended. The quote on it helped to make it more meaningful. The background was too plain and dull. However, your font colours for all the titles and text were chosen brilliantly.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -9/10
Your foreword was enthralling. The only regret was that you did not include some simple background information about the characters.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
Your plot was fine, a little cliche, with the jealous third party and then a phantom. However, you had created a different type of ghost in this case. This was not some malicious ghost who wanted revenge or some nice ghost who was ready to forgive and forget so easily. This ghost or phantom still had feelings like a normal human being. That was what I liked the most. The addition of the little kid was a bonus. However, you did not include his reactions when he saw Jane and his mother since I thought Jay brought him along to try to play with Jay. That was a bit illogical since I thought Mason wanted desperately to play with Jane. Do strive on.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10
You could improve on characterisation by providing more details. It was obvious and clear who were the antagonists and protagonists. I liked how the female main lead’s personality was shown. She was kind and sweet but yet after she died, she did not just let go or take revenge on Jung Ah. Instead, she just approached her and asked for the truth. Jay’s character was vague though. I thought you could have provided more details and elaboration, to produce more evidence to show that he really loved the female main lead deeply before. As he became Jung Ah’s husband, I wanted to know how and why he succumbed and could fall in love with Jung Ah who was rather malicious.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 7.5/10
Your command of English Language is not bad. Spelling was fine. Vocabulary was alright but there is always room for improvement. There were a handful of sudden changes in tenses when past tense should be used consistently. Examples of errors include:
[1] My heart ached for his touches that I can no longer remember. (Chapter 1) – Abrupt changes in tenses, from past to present tense. Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “could” instead of “can”.
[2] All I can say is that I knew I was right. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [1]. “All I could say was that I knew I was right.”
[3] “It's supposed to be me whose receiving the love...” (Chapter 1) – You had misused the word “whose”. I think you meant “It’s supposed to be me to be receiving the love…” or maybe “It’s supposed to be me, who’s receiving the love…”
[4] He glances back and forth between _____ and Jung Ah. (Chapter 2) – This is a similar error to errors [1] and [2]. It should be “glanced” instead of “glances”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7/10
The flow was alright but I felt that you had speeded through the story. For example, you could have written more details when Jung Ah approached the main female lead. Also, the part about Jay really caring. Maybe you could have added a flashback of Jay constantly looking for the main female lead after her sudden disappearance.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -10/15
Actually I was confused about the progress of your story. Since this was a short story, I guessed that you had left out quite a lot of details, causing a lot of missing parts. As I had mentioned above, Jay’s deep concern for the female main lead after she disappeared could have been more detailed and highlighted other than him watching the empty house. Also, you could have written more about how Jung Ah kept watching the female main lead and how she planned and succeeded in geting Jay to herself. However, the way you write was okay. I guess it was just the way you plan your story and write its developments.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -3/5
`Total : -71/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I love Jay Park!
Overall Total: -76/100
posted by my sensation at
8:11 PM
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