A Friend’s Confession
Fanfic Title: A Friend’s Confession [Completed]
Author: geesoo
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3.5/5
I like your title since I love this song. However, since it is a song title, many people would have heard of it. Thus, your title will become common, since it is not original. Your title is too revealing as well, since people who heave heard the song, would have managed to guess the majority of your story.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was really pretty and striking. The quotes on it were rather meaningful. I found the background too plain and the font colour too light. Maybe you could change it into a darker shade of pink.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8/10
Your foreword was interesting and captivating. I love the dialogues and the flashbacks year by year. Your characters’ names were mentioned in the flashbacks. However, I thought that maybe you still could provide some background information on the main characters. I love the translations of the lyrics above. I would love to give you a higher mark, if your forewords made more sense. In 2002, I quoted from you, “They were both only thirteen years old”. However, in 2005, “Please, we’re fourteen. You’re just starting to go through puberty now, mister.” Three years had passed but their ages only increased by one. That got my mind working relentlessly.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -13/15
The plot was cliche at certain points, for example, Khun’s words to Woo Young and the best friend in love secretly with the other best friend… However, the ending you had written contrasted to the title, which was a good one. You had managed to twist the plot a little since the song “A Friend’s Confession” was a rather sad love song. I also love the appearances of 2PM members. They helped to make the story more lively.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8.5/10
This time, your characterisation was rather well done, for both major and minor characters. My complaints would be that Jay’s personality could be further highlighted. For example, his affection towards Ji Soo was supposed to be rather deep, but somehow, I cannot feel it. Also, the friendliness of the rest of 2PM members could be better portrayed if you could write a little bit more conversations between them.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -8/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -8.5/10
Your command of the English Language was pretty good. I just spotted some errors here and there.
[1] Boyfriend number one cheated, gone. (Foreword) – Since you used two verbs, I think that you should properly use the conjunction “and” to link them together, instead of a comma.
[2] Because Jisoo was best friends with Wooyoung, Jaebeom invited him to go on their date, knowing she would be thrilled to be with the two people she adored. (Chapter 1) – I would like to say that my teachers had been teaching me not to start with “Because”. So, I thought that I should advice you to not start a sentence with “Because” too. Perhaps, you could use the word “Since”.
[3] It had been five years since he’s noticed the feelings. (Chapter 1) – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “he’d” or rather “he had” than “he’s”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10
Flow was almost perfect once again. The only thing was the weird time flow (the five years…) in your story. I also felt that you should have included a flashback of how Woo Young and Ji Soo spent their time at the amusement park.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12/15
The way you write includes using incomplete sentences and also starting off sentences with “And”, “But” and “Because”. Actually, these are not really grammatically correct. However, this is the way you write so I did not deduct points under the “Grammar…” Section. I deducted the points from here. You write fluently and your story is easy to comprehend. I thought you would do better if you could describe emotions of your characters more vividly. Paragraphing was fine. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4.5/5
I deducted the zero point five points because of the illogical time flow in the foreword which is still haunting my mind. Somehow, I did not really adore the ending. Poor Jay. However, I guess that he will have Heo Soomi to stay by him. :p Maybe the four of you can have double dates. =]
`Total : -82/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I am a big fan of both Woo Young and Jay! =] I love 2PM! =] I just wanted to also tell you the highest score I had given was 89. So your previous fanfic and this fanfic were really great works to me! =] Do strive on!
Overall Total: -87/100
Author: geesoo
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3.5/5
I like your title since I love this song. However, since it is a song title, many people would have heard of it. Thus, your title will become common, since it is not original. Your title is too revealing as well, since people who heave heard the song, would have managed to guess the majority of your story.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was really pretty and striking. The quotes on it were rather meaningful. I found the background too plain and the font colour too light. Maybe you could change it into a darker shade of pink.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8/10
Your foreword was interesting and captivating. I love the dialogues and the flashbacks year by year. Your characters’ names were mentioned in the flashbacks. However, I thought that maybe you still could provide some background information on the main characters. I love the translations of the lyrics above. I would love to give you a higher mark, if your forewords made more sense. In 2002, I quoted from you, “They were both only thirteen years old”. However, in 2005, “Please, we’re fourteen. You’re just starting to go through puberty now, mister.” Three years had passed but their ages only increased by one. That got my mind working relentlessly.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -13/15
The plot was cliche at certain points, for example, Khun’s words to Woo Young and the best friend in love secretly with the other best friend… However, the ending you had written contrasted to the title, which was a good one. You had managed to twist the plot a little since the song “A Friend’s Confession” was a rather sad love song. I also love the appearances of 2PM members. They helped to make the story more lively.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8.5/10
This time, your characterisation was rather well done, for both major and minor characters. My complaints would be that Jay’s personality could be further highlighted. For example, his affection towards Ji Soo was supposed to be rather deep, but somehow, I cannot feel it. Also, the friendliness of the rest of 2PM members could be better portrayed if you could write a little bit more conversations between them.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -8/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -8.5/10
Your command of the English Language was pretty good. I just spotted some errors here and there.
[1] Boyfriend number one cheated, gone. (Foreword) – Since you used two verbs, I think that you should properly use the conjunction “and” to link them together, instead of a comma.
[2] Because Jisoo was best friends with Wooyoung, Jaebeom invited him to go on their date, knowing she would be thrilled to be with the two people she adored. (Chapter 1) – I would like to say that my teachers had been teaching me not to start with “Because”. So, I thought that I should advice you to not start a sentence with “Because” too. Perhaps, you could use the word “Since”.
[3] It had been five years since he’s noticed the feelings. (Chapter 1) – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “he’d” or rather “he had” than “he’s”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10
Flow was almost perfect once again. The only thing was the weird time flow (the five years…) in your story. I also felt that you should have included a flashback of how Woo Young and Ji Soo spent their time at the amusement park.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12/15
The way you write includes using incomplete sentences and also starting off sentences with “And”, “But” and “Because”. Actually, these are not really grammatically correct. However, this is the way you write so I did not deduct points under the “Grammar…” Section. I deducted the points from here. You write fluently and your story is easy to comprehend. I thought you would do better if you could describe emotions of your characters more vividly. Paragraphing was fine. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4.5/5
I deducted the zero point five points because of the illogical time flow in the foreword which is still haunting my mind. Somehow, I did not really adore the ending. Poor Jay. However, I guess that he will have Heo Soomi to stay by him. :p Maybe the four of you can have double dates. =]
`Total : -82/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I am a big fan of both Woo Young and Jay! =] I love 2PM! =] I just wanted to also tell you the highest score I had given was 89. So your previous fanfic and this fanfic were really great works to me! =] Do strive on!
Overall Total: -87/100
posted by my sensation at
3:04 PM
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