Of Course You are a Ninja
Fanfic Title: Of Course You are A Ninja (Completed)
Author: Angela Kamerer-White
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
The title was rather long. Also, it was not that eye-catching as well. However, the word “ninja” would certainly arouse interest in people.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : --/10
There was no poster and background so I decided to not judge on this.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -2/10
The short summary within your paragraph was really brief. Mainly your foreword was about how you responded to the challenge. I think you could do better if you could include significant quotes from the story without revealing who said them. Also, you could include a list of characters and their background information. Do strive on.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
I found your plot to be rather interesting. However, at certain parts of the story like how Rain and the “I” became so close, I was bored. Apparently, such love stories happening between an idol and a fan seemed to be overused. Even though “I” was the screenplay writer, “I” was a fan of Rain. However, the many characters you added helped to make your story more interesting.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
Characterisation was best for the main character, in my opinion. Her personality of being knowledgeable and crazy about her idols is totally protraed out clearly. As for the other characters, I feel that their personalities were not that highlighted. Rain’s personality was not really portrayed very effectively. I think that you could have added more descriptions on Rain’s actions, feelings and expressions. There were too many characters for you to write about so I guessed it was hard to really do well in characterisation. Do work harder!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
You surely had your own ideas but there were some parts in your story which I had found typical and not alluring. Do strive on.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -6/10
Your major weakness is your punctuation. There are many long sentences without proper commas to separate them nicely. Vocabulary still can be built up further. I was confused about your usage of tenses, since there were rather a handful of abrupt changes in tenses. Some of your errors are listed below:
[1] I know its so cool. (Chapter 1) – It should be “I know! It’s so cool!” This is so as your character is exclaiming excitedly. Punctuation (exclamation marks) will help to accentuate the tones and hence the feelings of the characters.
[2] As I finish my lecture and the kids are leaving I realize that I am being watched. (Chapter 1) – This is one long sentence without sufficient punctuation. I would modify and write this sentence as “As the kids are leaving after I had finished my lecture, I realise that I am being watched.”
[3] Haha well if you are nice I might introduce you at some point if Jae Tae Min doesn’t mind !“” I know I know I am still tripping out.! (Chapter 1) – Your punctuation here is messed up. Firstly, the quotation marks in between the sentences do not fit at all. I thought these two lines are said by the same speaker. If I were wrong, please ignore the previous sentence. I would move on to the second error found within these two lines. Secondly, you have committed the same error as error [2]. I would rewrite your lines into something like “Haha, well if you are nice, I might introduce you to Rain. However, I can only do that if Jae Tae Min does not mind!” Then, afterwards, I would include the reply from the other character before proceeding to continue “I know! I know! I know! I am still tripping out!”
[4] “Great, is it allright if we leave now?” (Chapter 2) – You had misspelled the word “alright”.
[5] We were like two big kids. I was glad things were easy between us. (Chapter 2) – All of a sudden, you had used past tense.
[6] It was an Andre Kim original and it made me feel like a princess. It is dark blue with sleeves that go down to the floor and a skirt that fans out into some what of a train. (Chapter 3) – Note the sudden change in tenses again. I was confused about your usage of tenses from Chapter 2. I did not know whether you wanted to use present tense or past tense. I would suggest for you to use past tense though.
[7] “It is a pleasure to mee (Chapter 5)– I was stunned at how the last sentence ended. “It is a pleasure to meet you.” Please do proofread more before you submit your chapters.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -6.5/10
I thought the flow was too hastened. The different lengths of your chapters also caused the flow of your story to be messed up. The length of the chapters could be more uniformed. Things kept happening and somehow they got away quickly and the details on how they managed to resolve the issue were somehow a little brief and vague.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -9/15
The paragraphing was not good. It was like many words clumped together. There was no spacing between each line, which made it hard to read. The way you wrote your story was understandable though.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -3/5
`Total : -55/90
`Bonus : -4/5
I love the actions in the story but I was turned off by the massive paragraphs.
Overall Total: -59/90
Author: Angela Kamerer-White
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
The title was rather long. Also, it was not that eye-catching as well. However, the word “ninja” would certainly arouse interest in people.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : --/10
There was no poster and background so I decided to not judge on this.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -2/10
The short summary within your paragraph was really brief. Mainly your foreword was about how you responded to the challenge. I think you could do better if you could include significant quotes from the story without revealing who said them. Also, you could include a list of characters and their background information. Do strive on.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
I found your plot to be rather interesting. However, at certain parts of the story like how Rain and the “I” became so close, I was bored. Apparently, such love stories happening between an idol and a fan seemed to be overused. Even though “I” was the screenplay writer, “I” was a fan of Rain. However, the many characters you added helped to make your story more interesting.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
Characterisation was best for the main character, in my opinion. Her personality of being knowledgeable and crazy about her idols is totally protraed out clearly. As for the other characters, I feel that their personalities were not that highlighted. Rain’s personality was not really portrayed very effectively. I think that you could have added more descriptions on Rain’s actions, feelings and expressions. There were too many characters for you to write about so I guessed it was hard to really do well in characterisation. Do work harder!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
You surely had your own ideas but there were some parts in your story which I had found typical and not alluring. Do strive on.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -6/10
Your major weakness is your punctuation. There are many long sentences without proper commas to separate them nicely. Vocabulary still can be built up further. I was confused about your usage of tenses, since there were rather a handful of abrupt changes in tenses. Some of your errors are listed below:
[1] I know its so cool. (Chapter 1) – It should be “I know! It’s so cool!” This is so as your character is exclaiming excitedly. Punctuation (exclamation marks) will help to accentuate the tones and hence the feelings of the characters.
[2] As I finish my lecture and the kids are leaving I realize that I am being watched. (Chapter 1) – This is one long sentence without sufficient punctuation. I would modify and write this sentence as “As the kids are leaving after I had finished my lecture, I realise that I am being watched.”
[3] Haha well if you are nice I might introduce you at some point if Jae Tae Min doesn’t mind !“” I know I know I am still tripping out.! (Chapter 1) – Your punctuation here is messed up. Firstly, the quotation marks in between the sentences do not fit at all. I thought these two lines are said by the same speaker. If I were wrong, please ignore the previous sentence. I would move on to the second error found within these two lines. Secondly, you have committed the same error as error [2]. I would rewrite your lines into something like “Haha, well if you are nice, I might introduce you to Rain. However, I can only do that if Jae Tae Min does not mind!” Then, afterwards, I would include the reply from the other character before proceeding to continue “I know! I know! I know! I am still tripping out!”
[4] “Great, is it allright if we leave now?” (Chapter 2) – You had misspelled the word “alright”.
[5] We were like two big kids. I was glad things were easy between us. (Chapter 2) – All of a sudden, you had used past tense.
[6] It was an Andre Kim original and it made me feel like a princess. It is dark blue with sleeves that go down to the floor and a skirt that fans out into some what of a train. (Chapter 3) – Note the sudden change in tenses again. I was confused about your usage of tenses from Chapter 2. I did not know whether you wanted to use present tense or past tense. I would suggest for you to use past tense though.
[7] “It is a pleasure to mee (Chapter 5)– I was stunned at how the last sentence ended. “It is a pleasure to meet you.” Please do proofread more before you submit your chapters.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -6.5/10
I thought the flow was too hastened. The different lengths of your chapters also caused the flow of your story to be messed up. The length of the chapters could be more uniformed. Things kept happening and somehow they got away quickly and the details on how they managed to resolve the issue were somehow a little brief and vague.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -9/15
The paragraphing was not good. It was like many words clumped together. There was no spacing between each line, which made it hard to read. The way you wrote your story was understandable though.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -3/5
`Total : -55/90
`Bonus : -4/5
I love the actions in the story but I was turned off by the massive paragraphs.
Overall Total: -59/90
posted by my sensation at
6:53 PM
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