♥..Stranded Hearts..♥
Title: ♥..Stranded Hearts..♥ [completed]
Author: changmer_24
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/changmer_03/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 4/5
The title is not common but it is not that alluring. The hearts beside the title will help to attract attention.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -6.5/10
I think that your poster looks rather messy since the pictures are not really blended nicely together. However, it is good that your font colour suits the background. The background is different from the poster and not really plain. Then again, the mood of your story is not enhanced with the appearance. If you did not notice, the words on the poster require adjustments. I think it should have been “at one place” and not “at on place”.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -6/10
The foreword was really short to begin with. You have used questions to lure your readers into reading. Somehow, though, the questions were not really understandable to me. Your characters’ name are made known but you gave zero information on them. Also, you should have included some sneak previews of the story to further arouse your readers’ interest. DO strive on.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15.
The plot was alright. You had added your own twists and ideas. The appearances of YeSung and Ryeo Wook helped to liven up the story. Though the boat mishap reminded me of Titantic, I would say that not many authors had tried to write love stories based on such “shipwrecks”. Not too bad, in this aspect, author. Work harder! =]
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
Characterisation was sufficient for Ryeo Wook. As for Ynah, I think you should have included more details on how hard she showed her love towards Yoo Chun. In addition, Yoo Chun’s personality could have been better described. I feel that you did not really portray Yoo Chun as a super flirtatious playboy. You could do better!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
I would say you had your own ideas and twists. The ending was a little melancholic and dramatic twist. I enjoyed reading the ending, though it could be typical.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -5.5/10
Errors are frequent. I suggest for you to proofread more often. The abrupt changes in tenses are frequent and these mistakes will confuse readers. In addition, there are typo errors here and there, which made your story look and sound funny. Vocabulary can be expanded and improved. Do strive on. Examples of errors:
[1] It’s great but it didn’t seem that were a married couple (Chapter 1) – Note the sudden change in tenses, from present to past tense. It should be past tense. So it should be “It was great…” You have missed out a word too, causing the sentence to be incoherent. “that we were a married couple”.
[2] I happened to bumped with her (Chapter 1) – After the word “to”, the word should be a root word, which means no past tense or ‘s’ or ‘ing’. So the corrected phrase should be, “I happened to bump to her”.
[3] She’s tall. gorgeous and has a slim body, almost perfect as a model. (Chapter 1) – After the word “tall”, it should be a comma instead of a full stop, since you continued to describe her.
[4] Actually, it wasn’t silent at all because of the fact that we’re inside a club where loud music and people chattering could be heard. (Chapter 1) – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “we were inside a club”. Also, “people chattering” is grammatically incorrect and it sounded weird. You could change it to “the chatters of the people”.
[5] Panic and anxiety wee taking over me. My pace increased so was my breathing. (Chapter 5) – I suppose it is a typo error. The word “were” should be the correct word, instead of “wee”. I also felt that you should have said that, “My pace increased, and so did my breathing.”
[6] She sure is one weird girl... She still managed to smile even tough we’re at a serious situation that would put our lives in the line. (Chapter 5) – Again, past tense should be used consistently. “She sure was one weird girl…even though we were in a serious situation…” There is another typo here. It should be “though” and not “tough”.
[7] everybody think of you as a perfect girl fit as a model and a singer as well. a perfect would also suit you and I don’t think I’m qualified for it, (Chapter 7) – Here is my version, “everybody think of you as a perfect girl, fit to be a model and a singer. A perfect man would be what suits you; and in my opinion, I do not deserve you. I am not qualified enough.”
[8] but I’ve lose nothing (Chapter 7) – It should be “I’ve lost nothing”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10.
Flow was alright until the part when Yoo Chun confessed his love for Ynah. I felt that it went too fast, the parts from the boat sinking to their escalating romance.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12.5/15
Neat and understandable but a little confusing. It is a little confusing because of the paragraphing. I felt that sometimes, too many sentences were in a paragraph. SO you could improve on that. Another thing would be your English Language errors which made the story sounded weird and incoherent at some parts of the story.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -71.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I LOVE DBSK! =]
Overall Total: -76.5/105
Author: changmer_24
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/changmer_03/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 4/5
The title is not common but it is not that alluring. The hearts beside the title will help to attract attention.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -6.5/10
I think that your poster looks rather messy since the pictures are not really blended nicely together. However, it is good that your font colour suits the background. The background is different from the poster and not really plain. Then again, the mood of your story is not enhanced with the appearance. If you did not notice, the words on the poster require adjustments. I think it should have been “at one place” and not “at on place”.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -6/10
The foreword was really short to begin with. You have used questions to lure your readers into reading. Somehow, though, the questions were not really understandable to me. Your characters’ name are made known but you gave zero information on them. Also, you should have included some sneak previews of the story to further arouse your readers’ interest. DO strive on.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15.
The plot was alright. You had added your own twists and ideas. The appearances of YeSung and Ryeo Wook helped to liven up the story. Though the boat mishap reminded me of Titantic, I would say that not many authors had tried to write love stories based on such “shipwrecks”. Not too bad, in this aspect, author. Work harder! =]
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
Characterisation was sufficient for Ryeo Wook. As for Ynah, I think you should have included more details on how hard she showed her love towards Yoo Chun. In addition, Yoo Chun’s personality could have been better described. I feel that you did not really portray Yoo Chun as a super flirtatious playboy. You could do better!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
I would say you had your own ideas and twists. The ending was a little melancholic and dramatic twist. I enjoyed reading the ending, though it could be typical.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -5.5/10
Errors are frequent. I suggest for you to proofread more often. The abrupt changes in tenses are frequent and these mistakes will confuse readers. In addition, there are typo errors here and there, which made your story look and sound funny. Vocabulary can be expanded and improved. Do strive on. Examples of errors:
[1] It’s great but it didn’t seem that were a married couple (Chapter 1) – Note the sudden change in tenses, from present to past tense. It should be past tense. So it should be “It was great…” You have missed out a word too, causing the sentence to be incoherent. “that we were a married couple”.
[2] I happened to bumped with her (Chapter 1) – After the word “to”, the word should be a root word, which means no past tense or ‘s’ or ‘ing’. So the corrected phrase should be, “I happened to bump to her”.
[3] She’s tall. gorgeous and has a slim body, almost perfect as a model. (Chapter 1) – After the word “tall”, it should be a comma instead of a full stop, since you continued to describe her.
[4] Actually, it wasn’t silent at all because of the fact that we’re inside a club where loud music and people chattering could be heard. (Chapter 1) – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “we were inside a club”. Also, “people chattering” is grammatically incorrect and it sounded weird. You could change it to “the chatters of the people”.
[5] Panic and anxiety wee taking over me. My pace increased so was my breathing. (Chapter 5) – I suppose it is a typo error. The word “were” should be the correct word, instead of “wee”. I also felt that you should have said that, “My pace increased, and so did my breathing.”
[6] She sure is one weird girl... She still managed to smile even tough we’re at a serious situation that would put our lives in the line. (Chapter 5) – Again, past tense should be used consistently. “She sure was one weird girl…even though we were in a serious situation…” There is another typo here. It should be “though” and not “tough”.
[7] everybody think of you as a perfect girl fit as a model and a singer as well. a perfect would also suit you and I don’t think I’m qualified for it, (Chapter 7) – Here is my version, “everybody think of you as a perfect girl, fit to be a model and a singer. A perfect man would be what suits you; and in my opinion, I do not deserve you. I am not qualified enough.”
[8] but I’ve lose nothing (Chapter 7) – It should be “I’ve lost nothing”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10.
Flow was alright until the part when Yoo Chun confessed his love for Ynah. I felt that it went too fast, the parts from the boat sinking to their escalating romance.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12.5/15
Neat and understandable but a little confusing. It is a little confusing because of the paragraphing. I felt that sometimes, too many sentences were in a paragraph. SO you could improve on that. Another thing would be your English Language errors which made the story sounded weird and incoherent at some parts of the story.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -71.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I LOVE DBSK! =]
Overall Total: -76.5/105
posted by my sensation at
7:52 AM
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