Time Forgets
Fanfic Title: Time Forgets [oneshot] [COMPLETED]
Author: RAINxclouds
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4.5/5
I love your title. Instead of a certain trying to forget, it is time. I find this interesting. It is simple and meaningful. It is also of approriate length. Since it is a song title, it is not that original again. That is why I deducted the zero point five marks.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The overall appearance of the story brought out the mood of your story. The pictures used in the poster were blended neatly and nicely. Quotes on the poster made it more meaningful. However, the background was plain. The font colour was too dark in this case, hence making it a little hard to read. Maybe you could either use a lighter shade of purple for the background or use a lighter font colour which would contrast better with the dark background.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10
Your foreword was short. You had included the identities of the main characters and an interesting prologue, I would call it. I think you could add on some simple background information on the characters, as well as some significant quotes said by the main characters. These would make your foreword more captivating and detailed.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -10/15
The overall plot was not too cliche. It was interesting at first until the parts about the girl suffering from a deadly disease and Key suffering from Alzheimer's disease . These are typical drama plots. Despite the cliche developments, I liked how you added the old lady’s character into the story as well as the link to time. Good job and do strive on!
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7.5/10
Characterisation was pretty well. I would say that Hyunae’s personality was not really portrayed well. It seemed that you had been describing her appearances all the time, and hence, neglecting her personality. As for Key, I thought that you could have done better if you had mentioned how he survived the many years thinking about Hyunae. Considering this is an one shot story, the difficulties of effective and clear characterisation are higher. Thus, I decided to give you seven point five marks instead of seven. =p Do strive on. I am sure you can do better! =]
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -6.5/10
[1] She was a nice old lady who I have come to love like my own mother. (Chapter 1) – I would write “She was a nice old lady, whom I had come to love, like my very own mother.”
[2] In fact, I was known for being cold, rude, and as someone who insults others without care. (Chapter 1) – Abrupt change in tenses is detected here. From past to present tense, you had suddenly changed your usage of tenses. Past tense should be used. So it should be “insulted” instead of “insults”.
[3]This memory is the most memorable because it of the day that I realized I was in love with her. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [2]. In addition, your sentence sounded incoherent due to improper usage of words. The word “it” after the word “because” was totally out of place. I would write “This memory was the most memorable because it was the day when I realised that I had fallen in love with her.”
[4] Hyunae insisted that we make a copy and give it to the flower shop lady. (Chapter 1) – Since this sentence is in indirect speech format, the words “make” and “give” should be in past tense.
[5] That day, my best friend as I knew her disappeared. (Chapter 1) – I suggested that you put a comma after the word “her” so that your sentence will be clearer.
[6] That day, the girl I was in love with had disappeared. (Chapter 1) – Same as error [5]. I hope you can put a comma after the word “with”.
[7] I was only forty two years old, and my memory is already failing. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [2]. It should be “was” instead of “is”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8.5/10
I was hoping for more interactions between Key and Hyunae. Also, I wanted to know how Key spent the many years missing Hyunae. Twenty three years of pining and yearning for someone could not be an easy feat. However, your pace was near perfection. Good job!
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
Your writing style was good, I would say. It was not confusing to me. I think your story was rather straight to the point and clear. However, I thought that you should develop another way of writing the flashbacks. Instead of putting brackets or asterisks to indicate the different flashbacks, I would rather hope to see you use words link them together. You could also improve by trying to write longer chapters with more details and descriptions (create more imagery).
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -5/5
`Total : -77/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I love Key! =]
Overall Total: -82/100
Author: RAINxclouds
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -4.5/5
I love your title. Instead of a certain trying to forget, it is time. I find this interesting. It is simple and meaningful. It is also of approriate length. Since it is a song title, it is not that original again. That is why I deducted the zero point five marks.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The overall appearance of the story brought out the mood of your story. The pictures used in the poster were blended neatly and nicely. Quotes on the poster made it more meaningful. However, the background was plain. The font colour was too dark in this case, hence making it a little hard to read. Maybe you could either use a lighter shade of purple for the background or use a lighter font colour which would contrast better with the dark background.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10
Your foreword was short. You had included the identities of the main characters and an interesting prologue, I would call it. I think you could add on some simple background information on the characters, as well as some significant quotes said by the main characters. These would make your foreword more captivating and detailed.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -10/15
The overall plot was not too cliche. It was interesting at first until the parts about the girl suffering from a deadly disease and Key suffering from Alzheimer's disease . These are typical drama plots. Despite the cliche developments, I liked how you added the old lady’s character into the story as well as the link to time. Good job and do strive on!
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7.5/10
Characterisation was pretty well. I would say that Hyunae’s personality was not really portrayed well. It seemed that you had been describing her appearances all the time, and hence, neglecting her personality. As for Key, I thought that you could have done better if you had mentioned how he survived the many years thinking about Hyunae. Considering this is an one shot story, the difficulties of effective and clear characterisation are higher. Thus, I decided to give you seven point five marks instead of seven. =p Do strive on. I am sure you can do better! =]
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -6.5/10
[1] She was a nice old lady who I have come to love like my own mother. (Chapter 1) – I would write “She was a nice old lady, whom I had come to love, like my very own mother.”
[2] In fact, I was known for being cold, rude, and as someone who insults others without care. (Chapter 1) – Abrupt change in tenses is detected here. From past to present tense, you had suddenly changed your usage of tenses. Past tense should be used. So it should be “insulted” instead of “insults”.
[3]This memory is the most memorable because it of the day that I realized I was in love with her. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [2]. In addition, your sentence sounded incoherent due to improper usage of words. The word “it” after the word “because” was totally out of place. I would write “This memory was the most memorable because it was the day when I realised that I had fallen in love with her.”
[4] Hyunae insisted that we make a copy and give it to the flower shop lady. (Chapter 1) – Since this sentence is in indirect speech format, the words “make” and “give” should be in past tense.
[5] That day, my best friend as I knew her disappeared. (Chapter 1) – I suggested that you put a comma after the word “her” so that your sentence will be clearer.
[6] That day, the girl I was in love with had disappeared. (Chapter 1) – Same as error [5]. I hope you can put a comma after the word “with”.
[7] I was only forty two years old, and my memory is already failing. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [2]. It should be “was” instead of “is”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8.5/10
I was hoping for more interactions between Key and Hyunae. Also, I wanted to know how Key spent the many years missing Hyunae. Twenty three years of pining and yearning for someone could not be an easy feat. However, your pace was near perfection. Good job!
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
Your writing style was good, I would say. It was not confusing to me. I think your story was rather straight to the point and clear. However, I thought that you should develop another way of writing the flashbacks. Instead of putting brackets or asterisks to indicate the different flashbacks, I would rather hope to see you use words link them together. You could also improve by trying to write longer chapters with more details and descriptions (create more imagery).
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -5/5
`Total : -77/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I love Key! =]
Overall Total: -82/100
posted by my sensation at
1:06 AM
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