Aishiteru, Saranghae, and I Love You
Fanfic Title: Aishiteru, Saranghae, and I Love You
Author: Midniite
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
I found the title too long. I liked the way you put the words in differet languages though they meant the same thing. However, love, once again, is an overused word.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -/10
Not included in the total since poster and background cannot be included. Your total score will be upon 90.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10
Your prologue was captivating. I enjoyed reading it. However, I thought you could have added some brief information such as a character list or maybe include one significant quote from the story. It is alright that you did not include the name of the male character since this is supposed to be a mystery. One thing that I did not like was the sudden pace when Eun Mi gave a light shove to the guy and the guy roughly pushed her back. I thought the jump from their little chasing game to the pushing and shoving part was a little too abrupt. Nice work and do strive on!
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -12.5/15
I am giving you the benefit of doubt since I did not watch the drama before. However, your story was rather enticing and it made me want to watch the drama. I like the suspense and mysterious feeling in your story with the lively appearances of the many inetersting characters. I just needed more twists and details, such as the secret love affair shared between Eun Mi and the guy could have been included first. In this way, Eun Mi’s deathw ould seem more suspicious and impactful. Through more details, readers could gain some more clues to the personlaity of the guy. Readers would then be more anxious to read on to see if their guesses were right. There is always room for improvement. You are doing rather well now, just learn to slow down a little in your story and write more details.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8.5/10
Seriously, I think that the characterisation was rather well done. In your “Characters” chapter, you had briefly and sufficiently summarised their prominent characteristics. Also, in the following chapters, the feelings and thoughts of the characters were revealed. Such relevationa llowed the readers to have a clear idea of the true [ersonalities of the characters. Good job! I just think that you could have improved in the aspect of their actions and body language to further highlight their feelings and hence personalities.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7.5/10
Your vocabulary was rather good, with both simple and more sophisticated words used. There were some typo errors which showed your lack of care. Maybe you should proofread more to minimise such errors. I was a little ocnfused about the abrupt changes in tenses. Since you are writing a ficitional story, it should be in past tense consistently. You can surely do better. Examples of errors include:
[1] The small tube gave off a satisfying crack before it sprung it life, burning a deep blue. [Prologue] – In this sentence, I believe you had a typo error. It should be “sprung to life” and not “sprung it life”.
[2] We should stil call her Victoria even though she's..." [Characters] – Typo error here. It should be “still”. You missed out the ‘l’.
[3] Finally, it came out as a distant whisper: "Dead." [Characters] – Note that you should not use semi colon. That is for Chinese. For English, you use a comma.
[4] Dae-Hyun resides in a small middle-class family of 5, including himself. [Suspect One] – You had been using past tense to narrate your story. Therefore, I believe that you should use “resided” instead of “resides”.
[5] He would rather live on the streets as a hobo then relive that moment. [Suspect One] – The word “then” is misused here. It should be “than”. Also, the sentence would be more grammatically sound if you had written it in this way, “He would rather live on the streets as a hobo than to relive that moment.” In addition, I think you should include the meaning of hobo in brackets beside the word itself, since I don’t think the term is that frequently used now. [:p]
[6] There are times when he questions whether his existence was a positive thing. However, he couldn't give up now. [Suspect One] – Note the sudden change in tenses here again. You used present tense and then past tense. I think you should use past tense consistently. Therefore, you should have written “There were times when he questioned…”
[7] Even though his parents are exasperated with his lack of knowledge, they still care for him. Let's just say he inherits his "stupidity" from his father. He's an only child, and therefore his parents depend on him for everything, even though they know he won't be able to go far in life. He grew up in a quaint little family of four, including himself, with his parents and grandma. [Suspect Two] – There were sudden changes in tenses here. I would advice you to use past tense.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7/10
I found the flow too fast. From the prologue onwards, you seemed to be rushing in on the suspense and mystery parts. In my opinion, suspense should be built up slowly together with tension. Therefore, I was thinking that you should write more about the secret love affair between Eun Mi and the guy. In this way, the romance and thrilling suspense would have been more impactful and chilling. You could have included more details. Strive on.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -14/15
Learn to pace your story more properly and work on the overall structure such as alignment of events. In this way, your story will be more impactful. However, your dialogues and paragraphs and everything else were neat and understandable. Lovely work!
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4.5/5
`Total : -72/90
`Bonus : -5/5
Considering your age, you have a lot of potential. Try Winglin if you can. I think there will be more readers there. Work harder! =] Oh. Can you drop me a tag of the chinese name for the drama? Or maybe some youtube links? Thanks. =] [http://justrightjustpleasant.blogspot.com]
Overall Total: -77/90
Author: Midniite
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
I found the title too long. I liked the way you put the words in differet languages though they meant the same thing. However, love, once again, is an overused word.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -/10
Not included in the total since poster and background cannot be included. Your total score will be upon 90.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10
Your prologue was captivating. I enjoyed reading it. However, I thought you could have added some brief information such as a character list or maybe include one significant quote from the story. It is alright that you did not include the name of the male character since this is supposed to be a mystery. One thing that I did not like was the sudden pace when Eun Mi gave a light shove to the guy and the guy roughly pushed her back. I thought the jump from their little chasing game to the pushing and shoving part was a little too abrupt. Nice work and do strive on!
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -12.5/15
I am giving you the benefit of doubt since I did not watch the drama before. However, your story was rather enticing and it made me want to watch the drama. I like the suspense and mysterious feeling in your story with the lively appearances of the many inetersting characters. I just needed more twists and details, such as the secret love affair shared between Eun Mi and the guy could have been included first. In this way, Eun Mi’s deathw ould seem more suspicious and impactful. Through more details, readers could gain some more clues to the personlaity of the guy. Readers would then be more anxious to read on to see if their guesses were right. There is always room for improvement. You are doing rather well now, just learn to slow down a little in your story and write more details.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8.5/10
Seriously, I think that the characterisation was rather well done. In your “Characters” chapter, you had briefly and sufficiently summarised their prominent characteristics. Also, in the following chapters, the feelings and thoughts of the characters were revealed. Such relevationa llowed the readers to have a clear idea of the true [ersonalities of the characters. Good job! I just think that you could have improved in the aspect of their actions and body language to further highlight their feelings and hence personalities.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7.5/10
Your vocabulary was rather good, with both simple and more sophisticated words used. There were some typo errors which showed your lack of care. Maybe you should proofread more to minimise such errors. I was a little ocnfused about the abrupt changes in tenses. Since you are writing a ficitional story, it should be in past tense consistently. You can surely do better. Examples of errors include:
[1] The small tube gave off a satisfying crack before it sprung it life, burning a deep blue. [Prologue] – In this sentence, I believe you had a typo error. It should be “sprung to life” and not “sprung it life”.
[2] We should stil call her Victoria even though she's..." [Characters] – Typo error here. It should be “still”. You missed out the ‘l’.
[3] Finally, it came out as a distant whisper: "Dead." [Characters] – Note that you should not use semi colon. That is for Chinese. For English, you use a comma.
[4] Dae-Hyun resides in a small middle-class family of 5, including himself. [Suspect One] – You had been using past tense to narrate your story. Therefore, I believe that you should use “resided” instead of “resides”.
[5] He would rather live on the streets as a hobo then relive that moment. [Suspect One] – The word “then” is misused here. It should be “than”. Also, the sentence would be more grammatically sound if you had written it in this way, “He would rather live on the streets as a hobo than to relive that moment.” In addition, I think you should include the meaning of hobo in brackets beside the word itself, since I don’t think the term is that frequently used now. [:p]
[6] There are times when he questions whether his existence was a positive thing. However, he couldn't give up now. [Suspect One] – Note the sudden change in tenses here again. You used present tense and then past tense. I think you should use past tense consistently. Therefore, you should have written “There were times when he questioned…”
[7] Even though his parents are exasperated with his lack of knowledge, they still care for him. Let's just say he inherits his "stupidity" from his father. He's an only child, and therefore his parents depend on him for everything, even though they know he won't be able to go far in life. He grew up in a quaint little family of four, including himself, with his parents and grandma. [Suspect Two] – There were sudden changes in tenses here. I would advice you to use past tense.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7/10
I found the flow too fast. From the prologue onwards, you seemed to be rushing in on the suspense and mystery parts. In my opinion, suspense should be built up slowly together with tension. Therefore, I was thinking that you should write more about the secret love affair between Eun Mi and the guy. In this way, the romance and thrilling suspense would have been more impactful and chilling. You could have included more details. Strive on.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -14/15
Learn to pace your story more properly and work on the overall structure such as alignment of events. In this way, your story will be more impactful. However, your dialogues and paragraphs and everything else were neat and understandable. Lovely work!
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4.5/5
`Total : -72/90
`Bonus : -5/5
Considering your age, you have a lot of potential. Try Winglin if you can. I think there will be more readers there. Work harder! =] Oh. Can you drop me a tag of the chinese name for the drama? Or maybe some youtube links? Thanks. =] [http://justrightjustpleasant.blogspot.com]
Overall Total: -77/90
posted by my sensation at
12:43 PM
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