bet

Fanfic Title: bet

Author: jiejie

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -1.5/5

I am sorry but your title was not really interesting and captivating. Though a one-word title has always been rather meaningful and impactful, the word ‘bet’ was too simple and short. It would be hard to attract readers. Maybe you could have added a more sophisticated adjective in front of the word ‘bet’ to make it more striking and alluring. Or another synonym for ‘bet’ such as ‘gamble’ would have been better since the word ‘gamble’ sounds more risky than a ‘bet’ which can be a silly and childish dare between young children.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -6/10

The poster was alright and rather neat. The quotes on the poster made it more meaningful. The background was too colourful and distracting in my opinion. I was glad that the black font colour still managed to stand out against the background and reading was not that difficult. The appearance of your story did not help in enhancing the mood or atmosphere of the fanfic. Do strive on.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8/10

Your foreword was not too bad. You had included a proper summary and some questions to start your readers’ minds to think more. You had also included a basic character list and some background information on the characters. However, you could have added some significant quotes said by the characters or some sneak previews to make it more enthralling.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -8 /15

The plot was really quite cliche. However, I enjoyed the appearances of the many friends with their lively interactions. The part about Top wanting to confirm Jae Joong’s love for the “you” as well as the dialogues between Jae Joong and the rest of DBSK about Jae Joong refusing to continue the offer were actually common and overused. Therefore, I felt that you could really come up with more original and creative developments and twists. I felt that even the personalities of the characters were too typical. Do strive on.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10

I would say that the characterisation was alright. Their personalities were rather obvious but I thought it would be a lot better if there were more specific descriptions of their actions, tones and feelings. Also, since there were a lot of characters, not all the characters had their personalities well described. In fact, I think that you had chosen to generally describe their personalities as one whole group, instead of individually. Do strive on.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -5.5/10

Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 5.5/10

I guess you really need to work hard in this aspect. There were a lot of grammatical erros, especially the abrupt changes in tenses. Past tense should be used consistently. In addition, your vocabulary can definitely be built up, since the words you used were rather simple and there were not many vivid verbs and adjectives used. Examples of errors include:

[1] they decided to have a bet just for fun.a bet that will change you and your friends'(especially you) life,even DBSK. (Forewords) – Do capitalize your letters when they are at the start of sentences. Also, past tense should be used consistently. Therefore, it should be “They decided to have a bet just for fun. That bet would be a bet that would change the lives of you and your friends and even DBSK.”

[2] You’re going to your seat when you accidentally looked at Jaejoong whose sitting at the back. (Chapter 2) – Similar error to error [1]. Note that you changed your use of tenses abruptly. It should be “You were going to your seat…JaeJoong who was sitting at the back.” The word “whose” was also misused here.

[3] DBSK looked at where she’s staring. (Chapter 2) – Similar error. It should be “where she was staring”.

[4] you and your friends are the only one that I think really studying here. (Chapter 2) – Firstly, “you and your friends” comprises of more than one person, thus you should have written “only ones” and not “only one”. Your sentence was also incoherent since the word “are” after the word “really” is missing. Since this was part of a dialogue, present tense can be used. I would advice you to change this sentence to “you and your friends are the only ones whom I think are really studying here.

[5] His house is very big, now you know why he’s a kingka. (Chapter 2) – This was not part of a dialogue. Thus, past tense should be used. It should be “His house was really huge, and, you could really understand why he was a kingka.”

[6] What you didn’t know is that she likes you even more because she admired your bravery. She really likes you. (Chapter 2) – Again, the use of tenses was inconsistent. You should write “What you did not know was that she liked you even more as she admired your bravery. She really liked you.”

[7] When you’re going inside, someone pushed you harsh that made you fell on the comfort room’s floor. (Chapter 3) – As you could see for yourself, you jumped from using present to past tense. It should be “When you were going inside…” and not “you’re”.

[8] My friends are falling in love to the DBSK? (Chapter 3) – Preposition was misused. Instead of “to”, it should be “with”.

[9] Yunho and Jaejoong went to sat next to you. (Chapter 3) – After the word “to”, the next word should be a root word, which meant no past tense or ‘ing’. The correct sentence would be “Yunho and JaeJoong went to sit next to you.”

[10] Seul Gi and your friends knew that you want to ride with Jaejoong. (Chapter 17) – Once again, you should have used past tense. It should be “wanted” instead of “want”.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10

The flow was alright but sometimes I found it maybe too fast or too slow. For example, just after interacting with DBSK for a while, the girls were alright with them. I thought that this jump in impressions of DBSK was rather too fast and short. You could have added some significant events for them to encounter and then, from there, their impressions of DBSK changed.

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -11/15

Your writing style was understandable but I would say that you did not add enough descriptions to enhance your story. Details were not sufficient. Also, I hope thatyou could try to capitalise your words when needed. Such proper structure would make your story appear neater and more professional.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -2/5

`Total : -62/100

`Bonus : -5/5

I am a fan of DBSK! =] Do work harder! =]

Overall Total: -67/100