Natural Attraction
Fanfic Title: Natural Attraction (Rated Mature)
Author: hell666
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
Your story title is interesting to a certain extent. It seemed to carry the same sense of the phrase “Love at First Sight” to me. Though the title is of approriate length, it is not that impressive and eye-catching.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The appearance was alright. I thought that the flowery blue background did reveal some sense of nature or being natural. However, I felt that the poster and background were too close in colour. The poster thus looked a liitle too blended with the background and hence it became less outstanding. The appearance was rather soothing, I would say. The font colourcould be darker though. There is room for improvement.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10
Your foreword was rather good. It had the character list and their background information listed down. This would allow readers to gain ome insights of the story before reading it. It would make the readers more curious about how the characters will develop relations and their stories. However, you could improve better if you had added some significant quotes or teasers to further stir up interest in your readers.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -12.5/15
Your plot is rather refreshing and unique. It is not the cliche plot. However, the part about spying on rivals and taking photographs reminds me of a drama in which some villian character copied the nice character’s work and submitted it into a known competition. I would say that I am awaiting for more exciting twists since the appearance of Aaron was like the simple appearance of a third party in the typical love stories. Do strive on.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10
Characterisation was not too bad. However, I feel that you had been too focused on describing their appearances. You seemed to not show their personalities through your story that effectively and properly. There could be more inner conflicting feelings for every character. Their reactions, expressions and tones could be better described so that more of their personalities could be revealed. Do strive on.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -8.5/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 7/10
Grammar was alright but you are not really very consistent in your usage of tenses. Vocabulary was rather limited and relatively simple. You could use more sophisticated verbs and phrases. Do wrok harder. Examples of errors include:
[1] She may not be sexy, but she is a true beauty to him. (Chapter 1) – Actually, you should use past tense since the first sentence of your story was in past tense. Therefore, you should write “She might not be sexy, but she was a true beauty to him.”
[2] The small curves of her firm and strong body was like a god's creation. (Chapter 1) – If you note carefully, you should use “were” and not “was” since you were referring to the “curves”, which is in plural form. The “creation” should be “creations” in this way.
[3] If she's a sexy prostitute, all the guys would have empty their wallets just to see her in lingerie. (Chapter 1) – When you are using “if”, you should use “If … were”. That is the proper way. Therefore, it should be “If she were a sexy prostitute…” This would goes to show that it was just an assumption. Also, please note that you are using past participle. It should be “would have emptied their wallets” and not “empty”.
[4] Why is he aggravated? Aaron uttered softly with bewilderment. It’s just a recommendation letter, right? (Chapter 3) – Please note that the past tense should be used consistently. Also, you had stated “Aaron uttered”. You should thus use quotation marks for the question “Why is he aggravated”. If you included the quotation marks, there is no need for past tense for that question then, since it would be in direct speech.
[5] she’s not any girl that you could toyed with! (Chapter 5) – After the modal “could”, the following verb should be in its base form, which meant that there would be no “ing” or “ed”. It should be “could toy with!”
[6] I want to thanks him (Chapter 8) – Again, after the word “to, the following verb should be a root word. It should be “thank”. There should be no “s”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10
The flow of the story was really good. However, I would love it more if you slow down a little and take more time to describe in more details. This is especially so since you are writing about art. I feel that there should be more vivd descriptions.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
Your writing style was neat and understandable. More details and desciriptions would be better. I like the special way in which you added your own author’s notes in the middle of the story to enlighten the readers and make them think about the story and its possible future developments.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
I wanted more details and descriptions.
`Total : -78.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I enjoyed reading your story though it did not feature any of my favourite artists.
Overall Total: -83.5/100
Author: hell666
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
Your story title is interesting to a certain extent. It seemed to carry the same sense of the phrase “Love at First Sight” to me. Though the title is of approriate length, it is not that impressive and eye-catching.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The appearance was alright. I thought that the flowery blue background did reveal some sense of nature or being natural. However, I felt that the poster and background were too close in colour. The poster thus looked a liitle too blended with the background and hence it became less outstanding. The appearance was rather soothing, I would say. The font colourcould be darker though. There is room for improvement.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -7.5/10
Your foreword was rather good. It had the character list and their background information listed down. This would allow readers to gain ome insights of the story before reading it. It would make the readers more curious about how the characters will develop relations and their stories. However, you could improve better if you had added some significant quotes or teasers to further stir up interest in your readers.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -12.5/15
Your plot is rather refreshing and unique. It is not the cliche plot. However, the part about spying on rivals and taking photographs reminds me of a drama in which some villian character copied the nice character’s work and submitted it into a known competition. I would say that I am awaiting for more exciting twists since the appearance of Aaron was like the simple appearance of a third party in the typical love stories. Do strive on.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10
Characterisation was not too bad. However, I feel that you had been too focused on describing their appearances. You seemed to not show their personalities through your story that effectively and properly. There could be more inner conflicting feelings for every character. Their reactions, expressions and tones could be better described so that more of their personalities could be revealed. Do strive on.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -8.5/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 7/10
Grammar was alright but you are not really very consistent in your usage of tenses. Vocabulary was rather limited and relatively simple. You could use more sophisticated verbs and phrases. Do wrok harder. Examples of errors include:
[1] She may not be sexy, but she is a true beauty to him. (Chapter 1) – Actually, you should use past tense since the first sentence of your story was in past tense. Therefore, you should write “She might not be sexy, but she was a true beauty to him.”
[2] The small curves of her firm and strong body was like a god's creation. (Chapter 1) – If you note carefully, you should use “were” and not “was” since you were referring to the “curves”, which is in plural form. The “creation” should be “creations” in this way.
[3] If she's a sexy prostitute, all the guys would have empty their wallets just to see her in lingerie. (Chapter 1) – When you are using “if”, you should use “If … were”. That is the proper way. Therefore, it should be “If she were a sexy prostitute…” This would goes to show that it was just an assumption. Also, please note that you are using past participle. It should be “would have emptied their wallets” and not “empty”.
[4] Why is he aggravated? Aaron uttered softly with bewilderment. It’s just a recommendation letter, right? (Chapter 3) – Please note that the past tense should be used consistently. Also, you had stated “Aaron uttered”. You should thus use quotation marks for the question “Why is he aggravated”. If you included the quotation marks, there is no need for past tense for that question then, since it would be in direct speech.
[5] she’s not any girl that you could toyed with! (Chapter 5) – After the modal “could”, the following verb should be in its base form, which meant that there would be no “ing” or “ed”. It should be “could toy with!”
[6] I want to thanks him (Chapter 8) – Again, after the word “to, the following verb should be a root word. It should be “thank”. There should be no “s”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10
The flow of the story was really good. However, I would love it more if you slow down a little and take more time to describe in more details. This is especially so since you are writing about art. I feel that there should be more vivd descriptions.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
Your writing style was neat and understandable. More details and desciriptions would be better. I like the special way in which you added your own author’s notes in the middle of the story to enlighten the readers and make them think about the story and its possible future developments.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
I wanted more details and descriptions.
`Total : -78.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
I enjoyed reading your story though it did not feature any of my favourite artists.
Overall Total: -83.5/100
posted by my sensation at
7:05 PM
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