who i am to you?

Fanfic Title: who i am to you?

Author: lil’bam

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/



`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5

Your title sounds like a typical lament that one lover would make to his or her partner when he or she felt that he or she was being neglected. In addition, you did not use any capitalisation for your words. The tile would be not as eye-catching then. Also, there was a grammatical error. It should be “who am I to you?” since it is a question. Such an error in a title may deter already readers. However, I like the idea of using a question as a title. Do strive on.


`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7.5/10

The poster was really nice in my opinion. It gives the impression that the story is going to be rather sweet. The quote on it made the poster more meaningful, though the quote seemed to be hinting of the grief hidden in the story as well. Background was plain but the font colour went well with it. There is always room for improvement! Do thank you designer for the nice poster!


`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -4/10

Your foreword was really very short. It only consisted of two questions to tempt your readers and a very brief and basic character list. There was no background information provided on them. There were no sneak previews or teasers. You could have included the quote in the poster once more in the foreword. Do strive on.


`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -7.5/15

The plot was rather cliche and too simple. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt since your story is not completed yet. There had been no interesting twists up till now. Everything is just too pure, simple and sweet. There is no excitement to keep the readers’ interests piqued up. Do strive on.


`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -4.5/10

Characterisation was rather poor. All we know that So Hee is shy, Ji Young is rather romantic and So Hee’s group of girls is rather playful. All thses characteristics are very superficial and not really shown effectively since there has been no significant events to further portray their personalities. You had only managaed to show the positive sides of the characters. Perhaps, if you could include more details and descriptions of the tones they use when they speak or their body language and facial expressions with more sophisticated phrases and verbs, you could have done better.


`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -4.5/10

Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.


`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -5/10

You had chosen to start with present tense. Therefore, for you, I would hope that you could consistently use present tense. Your use of tenses is really not consistent. Your grammar is not really strong since the grammatical errors are present in every chapter. Vocabulary used was relatively simple. You could do better if you had a wider range of vocabulary. Maybe you could start with finding the different sppech verbs and not use the word “said” over and over again. Examples of errors include:



[1] I groaned and pull the blanket closer to my face. [Chapter 1] – You had used past tense and suddenly changed to present tense. Since you started with present tense, I believe that you should stick to using present tense. Thus, it should be “groan” and not “groaned”.



[2] i sniffled a little so that she believe my lie. [Chapter 1] – Firstly, the pronoun “I” should always be capitalized. It should be “I”. Then, if you would notice, your tenses changed from past to present. The above error is also an incomplete sentence. I would advice you to change it to “I sniffle a little so that she will believe me and not see through my lie.”



[3] yeah but you are cute when angry. [Chapter 2] – This is also a sentence fragment. It should be “Yeah, but you are cute when you are angry.” if you were to write in proper English.



[4] I could never done it without u. [Chapter 2] – Grammar error. After the modal “could”, the following verb should be in its base form, which means no “ing” or “s” or “ed” or past participle form. If you were to use past participle, you should have added the word “have” between “never” and “done”. Or else, you could write it as “I could never do it without you.”



[5] Would u ahn so hee? [Chapter 3] – I guess you could have added a comma after the “would u”. It would place more emphasis on the question.



[6] oppa, let go my hand. [Chapter 3] – This is a sentence fragment. You had forgotten the preposition “of”. You should have written “let go of my hand”.



* Note to Author: The inconsistent usage of tenses is really evident throughout your story. Your tense shifted from present to past and then from past to present. I could not possibly pick out every one of them. Hopefully, you will be able to remind yourself constantly and do proofread more times. Do strive on.


`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10

The flow of your story was alright and rather consistent. However, I would love it more if you could just slow down a little on the process. As in, I mean that you could included more details and descriptions in your story. The pace of the development of the story was pretty good though!



`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -10/15

Your writing style is understandbale but it does not look professional and proper. For example, you did not captialise the many letters at the starts of sentences. You also used “u” instead of “you”. You also had this shortcoming of not inckuding specific and exact details which could help to spice your story up. Do work harder!


`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -1.5/5



`Total : -56.5/100

`Bonus : -5/5

I am a fan of Kwon Ji Young! =]


Overall Total: -61.5/100