I Love You
Fanfic Title: I Love You
Author: Celine
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -1/5
Thought the title is of approriate length, these three words have been overused. You should come up qith a more special and original title.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -1.5/5
The poster was a little messy. The quotes on it made it more meaningful though. I feel that the pictures were not properly blended. The colour chosen was not really apt as it did not aid in enhancing the mood of the story. Since you could not put a background, the total score for this aspect will be upon 5.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -/10
Actually, there is no prologue or forewords. You started with Chapter 1 directly. Thus, I am not going to grade this aspect.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -10.5/15
You did add your little twists in the story. However, the overall plot of the story is still rather cliche. In addition, the scenes depicted in your story are rather typical scenes from the dramas nowadays. You could surely do better. I am giving you t he benefit of the doubt as well since your story is not completed. I am curious to why Aaron was being so exceptionally nice to Genie so suddenly.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
The characterisation was alright, not too bad. I like Rainie’s character here. At least you had showed the different sides of her character. Genie’s character seemd a little too nice but there were moments of her glaring and others. Thus, I thought there was variety showed in personalities of each and every character. Aaron’s character could be further developed. Overall, I felt that each and every character’s personality had been briefly revealed. However, there was an apparent lack of emphasis on certain distinctive traits of the characters. Perhaps, you would be able to do more if you could describe in further details, such as their body language and facial expressions. Do strive on!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7/10
Your vocabulary definitely can be built up further. There were abrupt changes in tenses here and there. Spelling was relatively okay. There is room for improvement, as always, so do work harder! I am glad you tried to use different speech verbs. Examples of errors include:
[1] It’s going to get Show into trouble if this aeroplane is caught by Mr. Chen. (Chapter 1) – I think you should be using past tense consistently. Also, I think you should use “paper plane”. I would suggest you to rewrite this into, “Show was going to get into big trouble if Mr Chen caught sight of this paper plane.”
[2] It was just to hilarious. (Chapter 1) – I assume that this is a little typo error you had. It should be “too” and not “to”.
[3] Who would ever want those fat flesh to touch their hand. (Chapter 2) – This is a question, and not a statement. Thus, a question mark should be used. In addition, the term “those” is used for plural words. The words “fat flesh” is a singular term. The more correct sentence should be, “Who would want such fat flesh to touch their hands?”
[4] I don’t even know what for am I bearing with all these. (Chapter 2) - This sentence is grammatically unsound. I think you meant, “I don’t even know the reasons to why I am tolerating all these.”
[5] Rainie replied, anger overpowering. (Chapter 5) – Please note that this is a sentence fragment. You should have said that “Rainie replied, her tone revealing the overpowering rage within her.”
[6] Since we were leaving tomorrow, I thought of using tonight to finish up with the work I have on hand, then explain to Housekeeper Tan what were our plans for the coming five years. (Chapter 7) – Please note that you should use past tense throughtout, consistently. It should be “I had on hand, then explained … what our plans were…” , instead of “what were our plans”. You are writing in indirect speech so the structure of your sentence should change accordingly.
[7] I saw Rainie shivered in fear. (Chapter 8) – The following verb after “saw” should be in its base form, meaning that there should be no past tense or “ing”. It should be “I saw Rainie shiver in fear.”
[8] I’m not gonna seat with you. (Chapter 9) – The word “seat” here is used wrongly. “Seat” is like a noun. You should be using the verb “sit”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7.5/10
I find the pace of your story rather fast, initially. The past about how Show and Genie get together was really brief. I think you could add in one or two more short flashbacks to show us more about their past, how Genie always generously gave in to Show and how Show had pretended to be nice. Also, Arron’s initiative to help Genie was abrupt. Maybe you could have included a thrid person’s point of view, revealing about how Arron had been observing Genie. Later on, the pace of your story generally slowed down. I guess the pace of the story was alright but do try to be more consistent.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12/15
I feel that your writing style is not too bad. You had your own way to write and emphasise on your points. The changes in points of views are clear and direct. However, I think you can improve on your descriptions in the story. Try to add more vivid details into the story such that the whole imagery in your story is enhanced. Readers can then better imagine and put themselevs in the characters’ shoes. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -58/85
`Bonus : -5/5
This is to credit your hard work and also to thank you for requesting from our site.
Overall Total: -63/85
Author: Celine
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -1/5
Thought the title is of approriate length, these three words have been overused. You should come up qith a more special and original title.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -1.5/5
The poster was a little messy. The quotes on it made it more meaningful though. I feel that the pictures were not properly blended. The colour chosen was not really apt as it did not aid in enhancing the mood of the story. Since you could not put a background, the total score for this aspect will be upon 5.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -/10
Actually, there is no prologue or forewords. You started with Chapter 1 directly. Thus, I am not going to grade this aspect.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -10.5/15
You did add your little twists in the story. However, the overall plot of the story is still rather cliche. In addition, the scenes depicted in your story are rather typical scenes from the dramas nowadays. You could surely do better. I am giving you t he benefit of the doubt as well since your story is not completed. I am curious to why Aaron was being so exceptionally nice to Genie so suddenly.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -7/10
The characterisation was alright, not too bad. I like Rainie’s character here. At least you had showed the different sides of her character. Genie’s character seemd a little too nice but there were moments of her glaring and others. Thus, I thought there was variety showed in personalities of each and every character. Aaron’s character could be further developed. Overall, I felt that each and every character’s personality had been briefly revealed. However, there was an apparent lack of emphasis on certain distinctive traits of the characters. Perhaps, you would be able to do more if you could describe in further details, such as their body language and facial expressions. Do strive on!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -7.5/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7/10
Your vocabulary definitely can be built up further. There were abrupt changes in tenses here and there. Spelling was relatively okay. There is room for improvement, as always, so do work harder! I am glad you tried to use different speech verbs. Examples of errors include:
[1] It’s going to get Show into trouble if this aeroplane is caught by Mr. Chen. (Chapter 1) – I think you should be using past tense consistently. Also, I think you should use “paper plane”. I would suggest you to rewrite this into, “Show was going to get into big trouble if Mr Chen caught sight of this paper plane.”
[2] It was just to hilarious. (Chapter 1) – I assume that this is a little typo error you had. It should be “too” and not “to”.
[3] Who would ever want those fat flesh to touch their hand. (Chapter 2) – This is a question, and not a statement. Thus, a question mark should be used. In addition, the term “those” is used for plural words. The words “fat flesh” is a singular term. The more correct sentence should be, “Who would want such fat flesh to touch their hands?”
[4] I don’t even know what for am I bearing with all these. (Chapter 2) - This sentence is grammatically unsound. I think you meant, “I don’t even know the reasons to why I am tolerating all these.”
[5] Rainie replied, anger overpowering. (Chapter 5) – Please note that this is a sentence fragment. You should have said that “Rainie replied, her tone revealing the overpowering rage within her.”
[6] Since we were leaving tomorrow, I thought of using tonight to finish up with the work I have on hand, then explain to Housekeeper Tan what were our plans for the coming five years. (Chapter 7) – Please note that you should use past tense throughtout, consistently. It should be “I had on hand, then explained … what our plans were…” , instead of “what were our plans”. You are writing in indirect speech so the structure of your sentence should change accordingly.
[7] I saw Rainie shivered in fear. (Chapter 8) – The following verb after “saw” should be in its base form, meaning that there should be no past tense or “ing”. It should be “I saw Rainie shiver in fear.”
[8] I’m not gonna seat with you. (Chapter 9) – The word “seat” here is used wrongly. “Seat” is like a noun. You should be using the verb “sit”.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7.5/10
I find the pace of your story rather fast, initially. The past about how Show and Genie get together was really brief. I think you could add in one or two more short flashbacks to show us more about their past, how Genie always generously gave in to Show and how Show had pretended to be nice. Also, Arron’s initiative to help Genie was abrupt. Maybe you could have included a thrid person’s point of view, revealing about how Arron had been observing Genie. Later on, the pace of your story generally slowed down. I guess the pace of the story was alright but do try to be more consistent.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -12/15
I feel that your writing style is not too bad. You had your own way to write and emphasise on your points. The changes in points of views are clear and direct. However, I think you can improve on your descriptions in the story. Try to add more vivid details into the story such that the whole imagery in your story is enhanced. Readers can then better imagine and put themselevs in the characters’ shoes. Do strive on.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -58/85
`Bonus : -5/5
This is to credit your hard work and also to thank you for requesting from our site.
Overall Total: -63/85
posted by my sensation at
8:13 PM
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