Mister and Miss [ONE/TWO-SHOTS]
Fanfic Title: Mister and Miss [ONE/TWO-SHOTS]
Author: MissFoxglove
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
Your story title was of approriate length. It was moderately interesting and eye-catching. However, it is also rather common since there seemed to be too many “little mister…” and “little miss…” around. (all the merchandise) Thus, your title will sound a little lacking in terms of creativity and originality.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was a great piece of work. It is neat and simple, and rather elegnant. I find the background a little plain and dull. However, overall, everything suited well.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -/10
Not Applicable.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -10/15
All the plots are cliche in some ways and refreshing in some ways. All I can say is that I did enjoy reading all the one-shots.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6/10
I feel that characterisation was not really sufficient and emphasised. It seemed to me that you focused more on the developing events of the story. Micky’s story had the best characterisation. Changmin’s story lacks characterisation. As for YunHo’s, it seemed alright for now but the personality of the main female character definitely can be improved. You can try to add more facial expressions and body languages and even their own inner thoughts, to fully bring out their different sides of personalities. Do work harder!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality. However, since the original plots mainly come from your readers, I do not exactly am able to deduce your creativity. I can only see that you have your own way of writing your stories, and you did add some minor modifications, but the main storylines still adhere to the original story line. Thus, I shall choose not to judge you on this, since I think it will not be really fair.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7/10
Vocabulary was alright, I saw the different speech verbs used. However, there is always room for improvement. You definitely can use a more sophisticated range of words and phrases to further describe. Grammar was not too bad as well since you did try to keep to past tense consistently and there were like minimum abrupt changes in tenses. Spelling was great! As for punctuation, you need to improve. Punctuation aids in highlighting and emphasis of your words, presenting more vivid images or enhancing the impacts on your readers. Do strive on. Examples of errors include:
[1] “Where is he woman?” (Chapter 2) – You should add a comma after the word “he”, to better separate your sentence into parts, and giving the parts their appropriate emphasis.
[2] “Not being very gentleman are you boys?” (Chapter 2) – Similar error to error [1]. Try to separate your question into the appropriate parts. “Not being very gentleman, are you, boys?”
[3] I was at loss for words as I locked my arms firmly around his waist. – It should be “I was at a loss…”
[4] This school is unbelievable dramatic, I thought as I continued to giggle at their shocked expressions. (Chapter 5) – The word “dramatic” here is used as an adjective. Therefore, it would be weird and wrong to use two adjectives together consecutively – “unbelievable dramatic”. You should use the adverb before the adjective, “unbelievably dramatic”.
[5] let’s just say I have a hunch and they are normally right (Chapter 5)– You have mentioned “a hunch” which is in singular form and then jump on to “they”. I suggest you to slightly change your sentence a little to make it sound more coherent, “let’s just say I have a hunch and my hunches are normally right.”
[6] Where are you parents? (Chapter 8) – It should be “where are your parents?”
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7/10
I would love it more if you could spend more time and wirte more details of the settings and appearances, expressions and actions. Since these are all one-shot stories, I think you tend to rush things a little so that they can fit the supposedly more approriate length of a one-shot story. You can slow things down a little and elaborate more.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
I really like your writing style. It is clean, clear-cut and smooth. There is no confusion. However, you could improve on your writing skills in the aspects of elaborating more details and also punctuation. You have your own style of writing. Do strive on! You can surely do better!
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -5/5
`Total : -58.5/80
`Bonus : -5/5
I LOVE DBSK! =D
Overall Total: -63.5/80
Author: MissFoxglove
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
Your story title was of approriate length. It was moderately interesting and eye-catching. However, it is also rather common since there seemed to be too many “little mister…” and “little miss…” around. (all the merchandise) Thus, your title will sound a little lacking in terms of creativity and originality.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7/10
The poster was a great piece of work. It is neat and simple, and rather elegnant. I find the background a little plain and dull. However, overall, everything suited well.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -/10
Not Applicable.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -10/15
All the plots are cliche in some ways and refreshing in some ways. All I can say is that I did enjoy reading all the one-shots.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6/10
I feel that characterisation was not really sufficient and emphasised. It seemed to me that you focused more on the developing events of the story. Micky’s story had the best characterisation. Changmin’s story lacks characterisation. As for YunHo’s, it seemed alright for now but the personality of the main female character definitely can be improved. You can try to add more facial expressions and body languages and even their own inner thoughts, to fully bring out their different sides of personalities. Do work harder!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -/10
Same comment as plot, since an author’s plot will reveal his or her creativity and originality. However, since the original plots mainly come from your readers, I do not exactly am able to deduce your creativity. I can only see that you have your own way of writing your stories, and you did add some minor modifications, but the main storylines still adhere to the original story line. Thus, I shall choose not to judge you on this, since I think it will not be really fair.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : -7/10
Vocabulary was alright, I saw the different speech verbs used. However, there is always room for improvement. You definitely can use a more sophisticated range of words and phrases to further describe. Grammar was not too bad as well since you did try to keep to past tense consistently and there were like minimum abrupt changes in tenses. Spelling was great! As for punctuation, you need to improve. Punctuation aids in highlighting and emphasis of your words, presenting more vivid images or enhancing the impacts on your readers. Do strive on. Examples of errors include:
[1] “Where is he woman?” (Chapter 2) – You should add a comma after the word “he”, to better separate your sentence into parts, and giving the parts their appropriate emphasis.
[2] “Not being very gentleman are you boys?” (Chapter 2) – Similar error to error [1]. Try to separate your question into the appropriate parts. “Not being very gentleman, are you, boys?”
[3] I was at loss for words as I locked my arms firmly around his waist. – It should be “I was at a loss…”
[4] This school is unbelievable dramatic, I thought as I continued to giggle at their shocked expressions. (Chapter 5) – The word “dramatic” here is used as an adjective. Therefore, it would be weird and wrong to use two adjectives together consecutively – “unbelievable dramatic”. You should use the adverb before the adjective, “unbelievably dramatic”.
[5] let’s just say I have a hunch and they are normally right (Chapter 5)– You have mentioned “a hunch” which is in singular form and then jump on to “they”. I suggest you to slightly change your sentence a little to make it sound more coherent, “let’s just say I have a hunch and my hunches are normally right.”
[6] Where are you parents? (Chapter 8) – It should be “where are your parents?”
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -7/10
I would love it more if you could spend more time and wirte more details of the settings and appearances, expressions and actions. Since these are all one-shot stories, I think you tend to rush things a little so that they can fit the supposedly more approriate length of a one-shot story. You can slow things down a little and elaborate more.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13.5/15
I really like your writing style. It is clean, clear-cut and smooth. There is no confusion. However, you could improve on your writing skills in the aspects of elaborating more details and also punctuation. You have your own style of writing. Do strive on! You can surely do better!
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -5/5
`Total : -58.5/80
`Bonus : -5/5
I LOVE DBSK! =D
Overall Total: -63.5/80
posted by my sensation at
5:53 PM
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