One Million Dollars and a Taste of True Love
Fanfic Title: One Million Dollars and a Taste of True Love
Author: me.wuz.heer
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
Your story title was really long. However, there was sufficient capitalisation to make it more eye-catching. Also, the amount of money mentioned in your title would be enticing. I still think you could do better with a shorter title. The title sounded too good to be true. [:p]
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8/10
The poster was attractive. The ladies and the colours were striking. However, the background was a little plain sinceit was another repetition of the poster. The font colour suited the background. I felt that the mood and atmosphere were not really enhanced with the appearance. Nonetheless, good job! Thank your designer!
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -9.5/10
Your foreword was really good. It was like the best I had ever read. It consisted of the many elements that I was looking for: the basic character list, summary of a story, background information and some insights on the story. The only regret was that there were no significant quotes or enthralling teasers to top it off. Great job! Keep up the good work!
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
The plot was not too bad from the start. With the secret project, it was quite refreshing. However, the conditions of the competition, the love affairs and the jealousy were rather common dramatic plots. I would love to see more twists and developments of your own. I am giving you the benefit of doubt at this point of time. However, I love how you portray each of the characters’ distinctive personalities. Do strive on!
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8.5/10
Your characterisation was quite impressive. From the appearances to the dialogues, the personalities of each and every character was portrayed, highlighted and emphasised. The only little point that you have missed would be the feelings of the characters. I felt that you could have express more of the feelings of the characters through more varying speech verbs, facial expressions and body language.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -8/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 7/10
Vocabulary used was reltively simple but you did use different sentence structures. Grammar can be improved. Please do note your tenses since there were abrupt changes in tenses in your story. Punctuation and capitialisation errors were at a minimum level but I supposed that you would do much better without any. Please continue to work harder and proofread more. Examples of errors include:
[1] Looking down on your sheet, you realize that you have arrived at your destination, a gorgeous mansion in one of the best neighborhoods in Seoul, South Korea. (Chapter 1) – Note the sudden change in tenses. You had been using past tense and then present tense at different parts of your story. I was a bit confused and did not know whether you planned to use present or past tense. However, I would advice you to use past tense consistently. It would be more apt.
[2] You didn’t how much she would open up to you even if tried hard. (Chapter 1) – I think you left out a word before the phrase “tried hard”. It should be “even if you tried hard”. This is considered an incomplete sentence or a sentence fragment.
[3] Like her personality, her outfit is very different—patterned tights, a flashy, red t-shirt, and more wristbands than any athlete would ever wear. You can tell that she is pretty, but her beauty is covered by her out-of-this-world-ness. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [1].
[4] Although you all are at the age where love and lust becomes introduced, MSMS will not tolerate any of it. (Chapter 2) – Since you put the connective “and” between “love” and “lust”, it meant two subjects. Therefore, it should be “become” instead of “becomes”. However, the phrase “become introduced” sounded a little strange since both suggest the introduction of something. Thus, you could just write that “where love and lust would be introduced…”
[5] Once again, you were lost in your feeling of calm. (Chapter 3) – This sentence is incoherent and it sounded weird to me. I believed you meant that the “you” was feeling really serene. The phrase “lost in your feeling of calm” did not make much sense to me. I would suggest you to phrase it differently such as “lost in your own world” or “found peace with yourself” or even “felt really serene”.
[6] And so, whether deserved or not, You made your first enemy in Seoul. (Chapter 8) – Please note that after the comma, no capitalization should be used. It should be “you”. Also, I would strongly advice you to not start with the word “and”. It is not really proper Standard English in a way. You could just start with “so” or you could have written in another way, “Regardless of anything, you had just made your first enemy in Seoul.”
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10
The flow was rather consistent and right. Things developed smoothly, without sudden changes. However, please try to keep the lengths of your chapters consistent too. More details can be included as well.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13/15
Your writing style was neat and easy to comprehend. I would say that the developments of the story were written clearly and in order. However, I would ask that if you use short forms, do include the meanings in brackets, for example, OCD. In addition, I do not mind you putting links to further show the appearances of the clothings. However, I would suggest for you to try to describe more and then use the links to top it off, instead of being over-reliant on the links.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -81/100
`Bonus : -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! Sorry for the long wait! :p Anyway, it is refreshing to see the 5 girls with such different characters put together! =]
Overall Total: -86/100
Author: me.wuz.heer
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -3/5
Your story title was really long. However, there was sufficient capitalisation to make it more eye-catching. Also, the amount of money mentioned in your title would be enticing. I still think you could do better with a shorter title. The title sounded too good to be true. [:p]
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -8/10
The poster was attractive. The ladies and the colours were striking. However, the background was a little plain sinceit was another repetition of the poster. The font colour suited the background. I felt that the mood and atmosphere were not really enhanced with the appearance. Nonetheless, good job! Thank your designer!
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -9.5/10
Your foreword was really good. It was like the best I had ever read. It consisted of the many elements that I was looking for: the basic character list, summary of a story, background information and some insights on the story. The only regret was that there were no significant quotes or enthralling teasers to top it off. Great job! Keep up the good work!
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -11/15
The plot was not too bad from the start. With the secret project, it was quite refreshing. However, the conditions of the competition, the love affairs and the jealousy were rather common dramatic plots. I would love to see more twists and developments of your own. I am giving you the benefit of doubt at this point of time. However, I love how you portray each of the characters’ distinctive personalities. Do strive on!
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -8.5/10
Your characterisation was quite impressive. From the appearances to the dialogues, the personalities of each and every character was portrayed, highlighted and emphasised. The only little point that you have missed would be the feelings of the characters. I felt that you could have express more of the feelings of the characters through more varying speech verbs, facial expressions and body language.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -8/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 7/10
Vocabulary used was reltively simple but you did use different sentence structures. Grammar can be improved. Please do note your tenses since there were abrupt changes in tenses in your story. Punctuation and capitialisation errors were at a minimum level but I supposed that you would do much better without any. Please continue to work harder and proofread more. Examples of errors include:
[1] Looking down on your sheet, you realize that you have arrived at your destination, a gorgeous mansion in one of the best neighborhoods in Seoul, South Korea. (Chapter 1) – Note the sudden change in tenses. You had been using past tense and then present tense at different parts of your story. I was a bit confused and did not know whether you planned to use present or past tense. However, I would advice you to use past tense consistently. It would be more apt.
[2] You didn’t how much she would open up to you even if tried hard. (Chapter 1) – I think you left out a word before the phrase “tried hard”. It should be “even if you tried hard”. This is considered an incomplete sentence or a sentence fragment.
[3] Like her personality, her outfit is very different—patterned tights, a flashy, red t-shirt, and more wristbands than any athlete would ever wear. You can tell that she is pretty, but her beauty is covered by her out-of-this-world-ness. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [1].
[4] Although you all are at the age where love and lust becomes introduced, MSMS will not tolerate any of it. (Chapter 2) – Since you put the connective “and” between “love” and “lust”, it meant two subjects. Therefore, it should be “become” instead of “becomes”. However, the phrase “become introduced” sounded a little strange since both suggest the introduction of something. Thus, you could just write that “where love and lust would be introduced…”
[5] Once again, you were lost in your feeling of calm. (Chapter 3) – This sentence is incoherent and it sounded weird to me. I believed you meant that the “you” was feeling really serene. The phrase “lost in your feeling of calm” did not make much sense to me. I would suggest you to phrase it differently such as “lost in your own world” or “found peace with yourself” or even “felt really serene”.
[6] And so, whether deserved or not, You made your first enemy in Seoul. (Chapter 8) – Please note that after the comma, no capitalization should be used. It should be “you”. Also, I would strongly advice you to not start with the word “and”. It is not really proper Standard English in a way. You could just start with “so” or you could have written in another way, “Regardless of anything, you had just made your first enemy in Seoul.”
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -9/10
The flow was rather consistent and right. Things developed smoothly, without sudden changes. However, please try to keep the lengths of your chapters consistent too. More details can be included as well.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -13/15
Your writing style was neat and easy to comprehend. I would say that the developments of the story were written clearly and in order. However, I would ask that if you use short forms, do include the meanings in brackets, for example, OCD. In addition, I do not mind you putting links to further show the appearances of the clothings. However, I would suggest for you to try to describe more and then use the links to top it off, instead of being over-reliant on the links.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -4/5
`Total : -81/100
`Bonus : -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! Sorry for the long wait! :p Anyway, it is refreshing to see the 5 girls with such different characters put together! =]
Overall Total: -86/100
posted by my sensation at
5:59 PM
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