When Love Strikes

When Love Strikes by shweta
http://winglin.net/fanfic/shweta10/
Reviewed by m_girl07 @ mysensation



Story Title: 4/5

-I thought your title was actually interesting and had a nice ring to it. Although I think strikes might be a strong word for the mood of your story. But I would have to say it’s strikes because Joe suddenly came to the realization that he loved Ariel and Enrique saw her and instantly fell in love.



Appearance: 10/10

-I loved how everything looked! Your poster and background blend in together so well and the colours that you used weren’t hard on the eyes either.



Forewords: 9/10

-You had a very nice foreword that had a brief summary of your story and a link to your website. I felt it was a little bit short though and could’ve had a little more information because I was asking myself a lot of questions after I finished and didn’t know if I wanted to click ‘next’.



Plot: 13/15

-You had enough to keep the story going when it came to conflict but nothing really popped out or made me sit on the edge of my chair. You’ve got the right idea but take it up a notch =).



Characterization: 8/10

-You did a great job on characterization. There were times where I really hated Joe because he was just so insensitive, especially to Rainie! But I think Enrique didn’t really have a certain characteristic to him and you should develop Jiro more because of the surprise ending =).



Creativity/Originality: 7/10

-The ideas that you used have been written about by others quite a bit; with celebrities liking each other and best friend loving each other from afar. However, I would’ve given you more marks if you gave it your own twist but I could see you tried.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

-You have a great vocabulary and use words that fit into what you’re describing really well. But many of your sentences had grammatical errors which is where most of the marks came off =). For example:

“She knew it was Joe, there was no need to look, she recognised his voice, and, Ariel thought bitterly, his 50$ per ounce perfume scent.” (Chapter 1)

-This sentence has way too many commas, which disrupts the flow of it. It should be: She knew it was Joe, there was no need to look. She recognized his voice and, Ariel thought bitterly, his $50 per ounce perfume scent.

“They were shooting to a new drama, They kiss again.” (Chapter 3)

-Remove “to” and since “They Kiss Again” is a title, the first letter of each word should be a capital.

“Or you could also order some with Chicken, they’re delicious.” (Chapter 4)

-“Chicken” is just a regular word, it doesn’t need to be a capital.

“I bet you never proposed anyone…I bet you were ten years old when you proposed your teacher, and she said no and laughed at your face! Hah!” (Chapter 5)

-When you are using “proposed” in the form of marriage, you have to say “to” after it.

“Yes, as soon as this is over I’m coming to you’re house. Ok, bye.” (Chapter 8)

-“You’re” should be “your”.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s a known fact, you don’t have a funny bone in you’re body.” (Chapter 9)

-Again, “you’re” should be “your”.

“He missed their friendship, he missed her smile, he missed they’re time together.” (Chapter 16)

-“They’re” should be “their”.



Flow: 8/10

-I think the beginning and the middle of it had pretty good flow but like you said, you didn’t really have any motivation after to continue which is why I think you sped it up =p.



Writing Style: 13/15

-I liked your writing style. You had a little bit of everything and also put in some humour. The only thing I wish you did more of was describe things more which will help develop the mood.



Overall Enjoyment: 4/5

-I really enjoyed it =D! “It Started With a Kiss” is my all-time favourite Taiwanese drama=p!



Total : 83/100



Bonus : 5/5

-I love Ariel!! <3



Overall Total: 88/100