Chocolates from who?
Fanfic Title: Chocolates from who? {COMPLETED}
Author: jie_jie
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -2.5/5
I think that to use a question as a title is more alluring. However, in this case, your title is a little too revealing. The object in your title is very commonly used as a gift for others, most of the times, as symbols of sweet love. Thus, your title lacks some creativity.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7.5/10
The poster was beautiful, portraying sweetness and goodness of (most likely) romance, as well as the noticeable chocolates. The pink suits the mood. However, the background is a little plain. Also, I find the font colour too bright.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8.5/10
Your foreword was well written. There were almost all the elements such as the characters with their background information and also a preview. However, you also made it too obvious about who was sending the chocolates to Gui. It was too revealing. Also, you can actually top off your foreword with one or two significant quotes to enhance the mood of the story. Do strive on!
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -9.5/15
The plot was rather cliche and it was expected from the start. There was not much suspense or mystery actually. Things just unfolded the way people guessed it would be. However, Iw ill like to applaud you for your efforts and also for adding in many lively characters who help spice up the story.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10
Characterisation for the characters was sufficient. However, the characterisation was not in depth. Furthermore, you have rather a lot of characters to handle with. I think Gui’s personality is perhaps a little too perfect. Everyone should be flawed in some ways. I think the best characterisation was for the two “Xiao Wei”s. Through flashbacks, dialogues and even actions and reactions, charaterisation is highlighted and emphasised. You can work harder!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -6.5/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 4/10
Your grammar is relatively weak, as well as your spelling. Actually, I spotted typos here and there too. Do proofread more before updating. It will be hard to flaunt your vocabulary due to this ‘drama-like’ writing style. However, you did not use a wide range of adjectives or adverbs so I cannot give you points for your vocabulary. Your errors will deter readers from reading. Do work harder. Examples of errors include:
[1] She is popular because of she is wealthy, pretty and brainy and have good personalities. (Foreword) – This sentence is incoherent. If you want to use “she is wealthy…”, then you should use only the word “because”. If you decide to use “because of”, then the following words should be like “her beauty, intelligence, charming personalities and riches.”
[2] I'm starting to like her sweet words. (Foreword) – I think you meant “his” instead of “her”.
[3] Is these your tactics idiot? (Chapter 1) – The words “these” and “tactics” are in plural form, thus, you should use “Are these your tactics, idiot?”
[4] you should have do more ROMANTIC. (Chapter 1) – This does not make sense. Romantic is an adjective and not a noun. Thus, you cannot “do more romantic”. You can only “be more romantic”. You should have written “you should have been more ROMANTIC.”
[5] Can you accompany Gui for break because I'll to somewhere? (Chapter 2) – This question is incoherent since it lacks words. The question is fragmented in a sense. It should be “Can you accompany Gui for break because I’ll be going somewhere?”
[6] I don't think it will be affecting since it won't work on my own self. (Chapter 2) – I think you misused the word “affecting”. I guess you mean “effective” in the context of your chapter. Also, the preposition “on” is used wrongly here. It should be “for”. “…since it won’t work for myself.”
[7] On the right time. (Chapter 2) – It should be “At the right time.”
[8] To search if who am I. (Chapter 4) – This phrase do not make sense. It should be “To search for my identity.” Or “To find out who I am.”
[9] Have you take down note about the lesson before our last lesson. (Chapter 4) – This is supposed to be a question. Thus, a question mark should be used. Also, when you used “Have…”, the following verb should be in the participle form. Thus, is should be “Have you taken down the notes…?”
[10] Because you didn't helped me.. (Chapter 5) – After the words like “didn’t” or “did”, or even modals like “would”, “will”, “should” and “could”, the following verb should be in its base from (no past tense / “-ing”). Thus, you should have written “Because you didn’t help me.”
[11] She's more musculine than me.. (Chapter 5) – You misspelled a word. It should be “masculine”.
[12] MINI AND LILJAY IS COMING BACK THIS DAY.. (Chapter 5) – Mini and Liljay are two people. So, you should use “are”.
*Note to Author: I did not continue adding errors from the further chapters since the list will be rather long. Please do not take offence. I am trying to be honest here and aid you to improve yourself. When you use the “..”, it should be three ‘dots’; this is the proper way “…” [:p] DO STRIVE ON!
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10
The flow was steady and consistent. I am glad that you kept the lengtsh of your chapters consistent. However, I found it a little too draggy at times.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -11.5/15
The dialogue style is relatively okay. It is not confusing but clear and direct. However, this writing style has limitations as in you cannot really include much descriptions to enhance the imagery of your story. Thus, it will be harder to imagine it. I hope you can perhaps as well paragraph more, as in leave space in between the two different characters. The spacing can denote the change in speakers. It will then be clearer then.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -3/5
`Total : -67.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! =D I CAN SEE YOUR EFFORTS TOO! =] STRIVE ON!
Overall Total: -72.5/100
Author: jie_jie
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://mysensationsite.blogspot.com/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : -2.5/5
I think that to use a question as a title is more alluring. However, in this case, your title is a little too revealing. The object in your title is very commonly used as a gift for others, most of the times, as symbols of sweet love. Thus, your title lacks some creativity.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -7.5/10
The poster was beautiful, portraying sweetness and goodness of (most likely) romance, as well as the noticeable chocolates. The pink suits the mood. However, the background is a little plain. Also, I find the font colour too bright.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : -8.5/10
Your foreword was well written. There were almost all the elements such as the characters with their background information and also a preview. However, you also made it too obvious about who was sending the chocolates to Gui. It was too revealing. Also, you can actually top off your foreword with one or two significant quotes to enhance the mood of the story. Do strive on!
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : -9.5/15
The plot was rather cliche and it was expected from the start. There was not much suspense or mystery actually. Things just unfolded the way people guessed it would be. However, Iw ill like to applaud you for your efforts and also for adding in many lively characters who help spice up the story.
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : -6.5/10
Characterisation for the characters was sufficient. However, the characterisation was not in depth. Furthermore, you have rather a lot of characters to handle with. I think Gui’s personality is perhaps a little too perfect. Everyone should be flawed in some ways. I think the best characterisation was for the two “Xiao Wei”s. Through flashbacks, dialogues and even actions and reactions, charaterisation is highlighted and emphasised. You can work harder!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : -6.5/10
Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 4/10
Your grammar is relatively weak, as well as your spelling. Actually, I spotted typos here and there too. Do proofread more before updating. It will be hard to flaunt your vocabulary due to this ‘drama-like’ writing style. However, you did not use a wide range of adjectives or adverbs so I cannot give you points for your vocabulary. Your errors will deter readers from reading. Do work harder. Examples of errors include:
[1] She is popular because of she is wealthy, pretty and brainy and have good personalities. (Foreword) – This sentence is incoherent. If you want to use “she is wealthy…”, then you should use only the word “because”. If you decide to use “because of”, then the following words should be like “her beauty, intelligence, charming personalities and riches.”
[2] I'm starting to like her sweet words. (Foreword) – I think you meant “his” instead of “her”.
[3] Is these your tactics idiot? (Chapter 1) – The words “these” and “tactics” are in plural form, thus, you should use “Are these your tactics, idiot?”
[4] you should have do more ROMANTIC. (Chapter 1) – This does not make sense. Romantic is an adjective and not a noun. Thus, you cannot “do more romantic”. You can only “be more romantic”. You should have written “you should have been more ROMANTIC.”
[5] Can you accompany Gui for break because I'll to somewhere? (Chapter 2) – This question is incoherent since it lacks words. The question is fragmented in a sense. It should be “Can you accompany Gui for break because I’ll be going somewhere?”
[6] I don't think it will be affecting since it won't work on my own self. (Chapter 2) – I think you misused the word “affecting”. I guess you mean “effective” in the context of your chapter. Also, the preposition “on” is used wrongly here. It should be “for”. “…since it won’t work for myself.”
[7] On the right time. (Chapter 2) – It should be “At the right time.”
[8] To search if who am I. (Chapter 4) – This phrase do not make sense. It should be “To search for my identity.” Or “To find out who I am.”
[9] Have you take down note about the lesson before our last lesson. (Chapter 4) – This is supposed to be a question. Thus, a question mark should be used. Also, when you used “Have…”, the following verb should be in the participle form. Thus, is should be “Have you taken down the notes…?”
[10] Because you didn't helped me.. (Chapter 5) – After the words like “didn’t” or “did”, or even modals like “would”, “will”, “should” and “could”, the following verb should be in its base from (no past tense / “-ing”). Thus, you should have written “Because you didn’t help me.”
[11] She's more musculine than me.. (Chapter 5) – You misspelled a word. It should be “masculine”.
[12] MINI AND LILJAY IS COMING BACK THIS DAY.. (Chapter 5) – Mini and Liljay are two people. So, you should use “are”.
*Note to Author: I did not continue adding errors from the further chapters since the list will be rather long. Please do not take offence. I am trying to be honest here and aid you to improve yourself. When you use the “..”, it should be three ‘dots’; this is the proper way “…” [:p] DO STRIVE ON!
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : -8/10
The flow was steady and consistent. I am glad that you kept the lengtsh of your chapters consistent. However, I found it a little too draggy at times.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : -11.5/15
The dialogue style is relatively okay. It is not confusing but clear and direct. However, this writing style has limitations as in you cannot really include much descriptions to enhance the imagery of your story. Thus, it will be harder to imagine it. I hope you can perhaps as well paragraph more, as in leave space in between the two different characters. The spacing can denote the change in speakers. It will then be clearer then.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : -3/5
`Total : -67.5/100
`Bonus : -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! =D I CAN SEE YOUR EFFORTS TOO! =] STRIVE ON!
Overall Total: -72.5/100
posted by my sensation at
9:43 AM
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